gajumaru

I went downstairs to make coffee at 6.30am and the light in the kitchen was thick and yellow, filtered through orange-grey rainclouds and hanging heavily in the air as if I was encapsulated in amber, and saturating everything like a badly-applied photo filter. When I took my phone out to take a picture the camera auto-corrected the colour temperature and sucked all the gold tones out, leaving the room looking thin and blue-grey. I am taking a picture with these words instead.

I have a cold, which is why I was asleep before 10pm last night. I slept good, and feel a little improved this morning. Friday was the nadir: I leaned on Leo to take on childcare (which meant they had to take most of the day off work) so I could spend as much of it as possible resting in bed. Being self-employed is supposed to give me freedom around this stuff, but parenting makes it almost impossible to take sick leave without guilt. I could have dosed up on decongestants and ADHD meds and pushed through if either of us had had unavoidable commitments, but I felt so grotty I was very glad not to have to. Apparently testosterone hormone therapy makes you more susceptible to viral inflammation - but less at risk of auto-immune disorders - in a similar same way to people with naturally high testosterone (in other words, Man Flu is real!). Perhaps this explains why E sneezed twice but is otherwise in fine fettle, and Leo and I both feel we've been hit by a truck.

Yesterday I felt a little less bad, just about well enough to get up and have a cosy day teaming parenting with the three of us, but sadly it was not to be: Leo had succumbed and it was their turn to spend most of the day in bed. I think parenting while sick is my least favourite part of parenting: flashbacks to the pandemic, and the kicker of losing childcare support when you most need it because people cancel so they don't catch it. On Friday when Leo was busy with things I just hunkered down with E on the sofabed downstairs, and we watched Toy Story and ate snacks. But yesterday I felt up to resetting the kitchen and living room, cooking meals, and following E's self-directed play led to some lovely activities: doing a tarot reading together with their colour-in animal tarot deck (their question was about feeling sad when their tablet time is up, and the spread contained some fascinating reflections); making a soft play obstacle course in the living room out of cushions for E to romp across, and then spreading them out and making appreciative noises from the sofa while they practised forwards and backwards rolls; listening to the Cocteau Twins while I hand-fed them tiny slices of cheese crumpet and they pretended to be a baby robin; drawing dinosaurs together out of their new art activities book; watching the playback of their jiu-jitsu coach's competition win an hour earlier, which led to playing Sticky Klingon, a BJJ game where I'm on all fours, they're clinging to my back, and I'm trying (but not too hard) to shake them off; and after dinner we did a bedtime yoga session led by E, and they serenaded me with intuitive piano-playing and singing, both of which I really enjoyed. Their lyrics flowed seamlessly between English and a private language, and I could hear musicality and poetry in the bits I understood. I offered to accompany them on piano while they sang, and that was really fun and turned out sounding quite pretty; they quite quickly got bored and wanted the piano back, but I wish I'd recorded it. Sometimes I find their play extremely tedious, but yesterday between us we managed to land on a whole succession of activities I really enjoy, and it was lovely!

On Tuesday they're starting at the Garden, the self-directed learning community that lured us to Bristol. It's a three day a week setting: 10am-3pm Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays during term time. The focus is on autonomy and cultivating skills: young people take charge of their own projects, play, and learning, and the mentors are there to facilitate, provide support, and assist with conflict where needed. 5 is the youngest age they'll accept (a lot of home ed settings are 6+) and the jury's out on to what extent E is indeed ready to take responsibility for their own toileting, eating and drinking. I've been texting with one of the mentors, B, (who I know through Radical Routes, the housing co-op network) and am reassured that support is available with these things if needed. It occurs to me that being encouraged to undress, clean up, and get dressed again by themself after a toilet accident might be a wonderful incentive to start paying more attention to their bladder signals when they're in the middle of something. However I'm still considering hanging out nearby for the first day in case I'm needed.

We got the date of Leo's surgery through! It's going to be the 5th September! This is REALLY SOOON!

We have to self isolate for two weeks beforehand. So no camping weekend with friends. But we can still do our hot tub holiday in Cornwall in mid August.

Leo will be in hospital for three nights. My parents have invited us to join them on holiday in Anglesey that week. I need to drive Leo to the hospital in Coventry without breaking self isolation, and then collect them when they're discharged. So I'll take E to Anglesey for three nights while Leo's in hospital to get some parent/grandparent time and so I'm not totally alone with E, then we'll pick Leo up and drive them home.

After that we'll both take as much time off work as we need. Might need to set up a bed in the lounge downstairs. I'll do childcare, cooking, housework and the other necessities until Leo is back on their feet. Our mums have both offered to come and help us out at different times, which is very welcome - we'll probably take both of them up on it. And we have two childcare providers potentially available, so that should hopefully free me up to do a couple of days work a week.

And after that? Who knows. The recovery rate for hip replacements is allegedly quite good, although apparently there's a slim chance that there'll be complications. I'm trying not to hope too much but... If this does what I want it to, it means no more chronic pain! In the fullness of time it means Tai Chi! Swimming! Biking! Long walks! Leo being able to carry E, wear them in a sling, take them for naps! I almost can't imagine it, our life has been so compromised for so long. I feel a bit weepy just thinking about the possibilities.

Bedtime tonight is totally out of whack.

E's been doing their Magical Non Napping Child thing lately. They've got very good at resisting being slung when they don't want it. They didn't nap the day before yesterday despite being slung twice, breastfed in bed with rain noise, the whole caboodle. Yesterday we managed to get them into the sling and then they slept for an hour. Today, no naps.

They're going through a bitey phase. ( Biting, breastfeeding and boundaries )

Naps help reduce the biteyness. We like naps. But naps don't always happen.

Today we tried the sleepy breastfeed, we tried the sling, we tried the nap routine with the singing and the rain noise and the lavender scent and the dark room and the breastfeed, and then the bottle milk when they were too bitey for boob. But no nap.

Then I had a work thing for a couple of hours. It was urgent and time sensitive - me and denny, who has very limited availability, deploying new code, which meant breaking a public facing commercial website and fixing it again asap. I wasn't in a great position to stop once we'd started.

I heard lots of squawks and shouts from downstairs, and when I checked in via Signal Leo said they'd been teething and had just had Calpol. Then quiet. We were nearly done. Started to hear screaming again and it was a real effort to concentrate on work. E's getting more and more toddlerish with their sudden intense Big Feels if something is Frustrating or they Want something or feel Thwarted, so outraged shrieks of displeasure are a lot more common than they used to be. I figured if I got a message asking me to come, I'd come, but otherwise I'd press on and get the damn website back online.

So I did, and we did, and then I rushed downstairs to find Leo sitting on the kitchen floor holding a completely distraught child, who had sobbed themself into a state of utter wretchedness. They had been trying to get into the bathroom apparently, perhaps thinking to find me there, and then I wasn't there. Oh darling.

I scooped them up and cuddled them and talked to them softly and fed them, and they latched on and suckled in that heartbreaking pink, hiccupy way of a distraught baby. It was at this point 6.30pm, when we usually have dinner, followed by teeth brushing and books and bedtime routine and into bed by 8.30pm.

Reader, they fed until 8.30pm. I was nursing for two hours without a break for the first time since they had their tongue tie cut. They slept and fed and slept and fed and slept and fed. I read my book. Leo brought me food and beer and I ate and drank one handed. E's hot little head and body in my arms became damp with sweat, although they were only wearing a t-shirt and nappy. Halfway through they woke from a snooze Suddenly Very Sad again, but I got them back on the boob eventually.

They skipped their solid dinner entirely.

We had an hour of awake time, during which I desperately tried to go to the loo and brush my teeth and get both of us ready for bed while dealing with E's separation anxiety. Didn't manage to finish my teeth. But they are now, finally, after another bedtime routine and even more feeding, asleep in bed.

I've been awake since 5am and was hoping for an early night tonight, but it's now half ten and it's going to take me a while to calm down after all that.

Everything feels so vivid, and the ups and downs are acute.

The moments of joy and relaxation are profound. I wrote that post about the glory of sharing the hot tub with E in their floaty donut because it was so precious, such a highlight, and I wanted to remember it.

There are so many things I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful to E every day for helping me be present. For keeping my mind on the here and now and not letting me worry about the pandemic or the future.

I'm grateful for their laughter, their delight, their curiosity and joy.

I'm grateful for Leo, such a wonderful teammate, so kind and conscientious and supportive.

I'm grateful for the delicious food we eat and our fresh veg box every week. We've cooked some amazing meals lately. Squash curry with chickpeas and tofu and coconut milk. Tuna gratin with onion and sweet potato and celeriac and swede. Pesto pasta with toasted tamari seeds and fresh leaf salad. Mushroom pasta with truffle paste and coconut milk and savoury boiled almonds and vegan parmesan. Spiralised carrot and courgette salad with lime dressing, parsnip fries, homemade houmous and toasted seeds. We batch cook about one meal in four. We eat well.

I'm grateful for space to grow plants. Watching my little seedlings sprout is a joy.

I'm grateful to have a bit of E enrichment budget saved and to be able to afford new toys:
a bag of beautiful wooden blocks, stacking cuboids, some new to us second hand board books.

But oh, I'm so tired. E breastfeeds on and off all night, sometimes more on than off. They wake at 6am. They fall asleep at 9pm and I should follow suit, but often I stay up reading, revelling in a little quiet time to myself. Or there's laundry to hang and leftovers to put away. Or slugs to drown, ew. Or I cuddle Leo and we talk for a while and then it's half nine or ten. Or I'm asleep by half nine and then E wakes and feeds six times before dawn.

It doesn't feel sustainable. I try to nap. Sometimes manage it in the mornings. But it's almost impossible to carve out time and opportunity between E needing me. I try for a nap before lunch but it's too early, I don't manage to sleep. After lunch we remember to we have to wash and clean the steriliser and then pump, that takes a while, and then E's hungry so I breastfeed and then they fall asleep on me, which is great, but not a nap for me, and then they wake up before they're done sleeping and need feeding or bouncing or soothing again, and then they wake for good and need pottying and feeding, and suddenly it's 5pm and there's not time to nap before dinner.

I'm still doing most of the domestic work, as Leo needs a hip replacement urgently and of course there are no elective surgeries. So they're living with impaired mobility and chronic pain, as gracefully as I can imagine someone bearing it.

I'm not really keeping on top of the housework. We're just about doing the laundry. The kitchen surfaces and dining table are perpetually covered in used dishes. I've hoovered downstairs once since lockdown started, and haven't mopped or cleaned the bathroom or upstairs at all.

Every day that passes I'm more fatigued than the day before. Leo and I are trying to give each other half an hour of self care time every morning, for Tai Chi or meditation or stretching or hot tubbing or a bath or RSI wrist massage or whatever. Wellbeing time. We take it in turns. But my last two I haven't used them, I've been too tired.

Sometimes they spell me in the morning for an extra hour or 90 mins of sleep. I go next door and go straight back to sleep in the other bed without waking up too much. But it's tricky without milk pumped, and Leo can't carry E around so there's a limit to what they can do together. I've been needing that more and more after broken nights of sleep, and then it's breakfast time and then I need to breastfeed and I don't get my wellbeing time. Unless the sleep counts.

This enforced family time is often gorgeous and loving, with moments of genuine joy. And at the same time it's grinding and relentless and exhausting. It's all of those things at the same time.

The last couple of days, since lockdown kicked in for everyone in the UK in earnest, when I've walked to the local park for my Daily Exercise, it has smelled so good. Grass and blossoms and woodsmoke. Our bit of London, one block away from the A10 and three from the M25, suddenly smells like the countryside. Overnight, there are so few cars on the road that the air is sweeter. It makes me feel good to breathe it. Like being on holiday. Humanity's lungs are congested, but as our patterns change the world's lungs are clearing.

I took a new route through the woods today. It was absolutely beautiful: bright and sunny and crisp. At the end of our road is a country estate which is being run as a conference centre and public park. It has a gift shop and cafe, both closed now of course. The estate is gorgeous: oak woods with children's climbing frames and swings, duck ponds, geese, wildflower meadows. I veered off the usual path through the woods along the stream to go around the lake under the trees. The ground had dried out since last week and the woods felt clear and spacious without the mud. One of those little emergent paths was visible running around the edge of the woodland lake, what they call a desire path. I had E sleeping in the sling on my chest, and I wandered along the water's edge, blue sky and budding trees mirrored in the clear water, the reflections disrupted occasionally by the passing of water birds. I'm listening to the six part pandemic series on This Podcast Will Kill You, learning about how viruses replicate and their structure and so on. I was walking for an hour while E had their midday nap, taking all the side paths in the woods, and I barely saw anyone.

This rhythm of life is really working for me. I miss socialising in person, and taking E out on trips. But with all the regular commitments of classes and meetings and get-togethers cancelled, there's more time. Leo has total permission to work fewer hours, as everyone understands that it's necessary when you don't have childcare support. We take turns to work during the day - I do feeds and walks and other half hours here and there, Leo does the bits in-between, and we all eat at the table together. So far we're managing around 5-6 hrs work per day total, and the rest is housework and cooking and eating and childcare handover and self-care. In theory we should be able to do 7-8hrs total between us, but we're still settling into it. If we did 4 hrs work a day each for 6 days a week that would be 24 hrs each, which would be a good amount for both of us.

Working part time, spending so much time with E and with each other, daily walks in the woods, cooking good food, making slow but steady progress with our projects - it's all rather lovely. We haven't managed any alone time as a couple since we started staying at home, it's hard without a babysitter. Either we're both tired by the time E finally settles or they wake up every time we try to cuddle without them and need soothing again. But the togetherness as a family is lovely.

My mum has come down with symptoms. We spoke on the phone today but it's hard being so far away. She's started journalling at originotley if you want to say hello.

I just did my second 30 minute meditation session this week. It's been my first morning meditation since E was born, pretty much. All I'd managed until now was a a couple of half hours late at night after they were asleep in the cot, sitting up on the bed leaning against the head rest, and my nightly getting-to-sleep anapana practice, which invariably doesn't last very long because I fall asleep.

As expected, Monday's sit was a revealing display of a disorganised mind. I didn't even try to do any Vipassana, just attempted anapana for 30 minutes. My mind was very busy. I think I managed to pay attention to like, three or four breaths in a row a few times, but that was all. The time went quickly. I thought I had more time to get a grip on my concentration, and then the timer went off. 30 minutes really isn't very long.

At least my body wasn't complaining too much. When I first started meditating a few years ago, postural discomforts dominated my awareness. I guess the martial arts and parenting have improved my core and back strength. Good - and also unsurprising; that was why the monks developed kung fu in the first place, wasn't it?

This morning I had more success with anapana. Still a fair few thoughts, but I managed to return my attention to my breath each time. After a little while I decided to have a crack at Vipassana. It's funny - if my concentration is too disorganised I can't do Vipassana at all, because I just forget what I'm meant to be doing and lose my place. But once I have that baseline level of concentration, I actually find Vipassana easier to concentrate on than anapana, because I find it more interesting.

This time I went back to my beginner's Vipassana practice and took it painstakingly slowly. Giving myself up to a minute to tune into each area, and only moving on to the next once I could feel the subtle sensations there. The good thing is that I didn't encounter any "dead" areas: once I tuned in, I could feel sensation in all the parts of my body I swept. And I didn't get distracted. But the timer went off before I'd even finished sweeping my torso.

We have friend D doing some bonus childminding tomorrow as well, since it's half term and they have a rare free day. (D did quite a lot of babysitting for us last year, but is now booked up most weeks.) So we'll have a chance to sit together again. I'm trying to make it a regular practice at the start of my work days, and Leo is joining me, which is really good for me. We have the mats and cushions set up in my bedroom, which is an unused room most of the time. It's nice and peaceful in there.

If I didn't have a baby, I'd be feeling ready to go back and do another ten day course at Dhamma Dipa. As it is, I'm going to have to try and build a personal practice at home, with the possible goal of a 3 day course once I can leave E with Leo for a long weekend.

This partly depends on them being old enough to handle three nights of no breastfeeding, and partly depends on Leo's hip being recovered enough to do the childcare - however long that will take. They still can't carry or sling E. They've got surprisingly good at doing day time childcare by bringing everything they'll need around the sofas downstairs, but we're a long way from being able to leave E and Leo alone overnight.

In the meantime, morning meditation is wonderful. Writing about it here as a promise to myself to keep it up.

Leo's away overnight. I'm alone with E for 24 hours. And I'm loving it.

wildeabandon came to visit this afternoon. It was really good to catch up and properly introduce him to E, and he helped out with the washing up and entertaining E while I folded laundry and tidied up a bit. We haven't finished sorting stuff out after our Christmas travels yet, but at least the luggage is upstairs and ready to be unpacked.

After wildeabandon left, I hung out with E and did some chores: stuffing inserts into cloth nappies, running a couple of laundry loads, stacking washable baby wipes in the tubs. I made sure the bedroom was ready for bedtime, and made up E's cot in preparation to putting them down.

I treated myself to a takeout, so I wouldn't have to try and cook on my own while caring for E. There's enough left for lunch tomorrow too. I'd debated whether to try and cook (or wait for it to be delivered) and eat before putting E to bed, or whether to start sorting food out for myself once they were asleep - but in the end ordering, and then starting bedtime, seemed like the best compromise. They'd been feeding for 45 minutes by the time it arrived, and I managed to get downstairs, answer the door, cover the takeout with a blanket, get back upstairs and lie down again with them in bed without them breaking the latch.

Half an hour later they were asleep and tucked in in the cot, the baby monitor was plugged in, and I was downstairs with a cuppa and a plate of curry feeling like superparent.

Leo is out on a date with their girlfriend. It's their first date away from home since the birth; until now, B has been coming here, and we've all been navigating the awkwardness of sharing space and childcare. It's been a mixture of B helping Leo with childcare and housework while I get some work done, me doing childcare so B and Leo can have some time alone together, and all three of us hanging out. So their first date at B's place since E's arrival is a real polyamory milestone.

I knew I was feeling good about giving Leo the opportunity to have a nice time - and even living vicariously through their freedom to Go On A Date Sans Baby. But until I got it, I didn't anticipate how much I needed the solitude.

Being downstairs, with E asleep in the cot upstairs, is the first time I've felt truly alone since the birth. I'm not alone, of course - they're still my responsibility, and when they woke up with a cry a little while ago, I went straight up and soothed them back to sleep. But now they're asleep again, and it feels like having the house to myself.

I lingered over my curry, reading. Drank my ginger tea. Put some washing on and carefully wiped down the high chair tray. Considered going straight to bed. I'm chronically sleep deprived (of course: but more so since Leo's operation than before it) and E wakes up every morning at 8.30am sharp, and I'll need to do a change and a feed or two between now and then; so I'm not looking at a full night's sleep. But this solitude feels so precious and nourishing, I feel like I need it more than another half hour in bed. I'm on the sofa with my laptop, nursing a single malt and enjoying the luxury of typing on a keyboard rather than my phone. (I've developed phone RSI in my wrists since the birth, from using my phone so much more while breastfeeding. At the moment I'm trying to use my phone less, and listen to audiobooks or read paper books instead during feeds.) I feel like I could easily stay up for another hour or so, writing and reading. But it's nearly midnight, and I'll enjoy tomorrow more if I go to bed sooner rather than later.

Being alone is lovely. I hope Leo and B have another date soon so I can do it again.

The rituals of parenting really suit me. I like having systems in place: the things that go in the go bag (muslins, cloth nappies, wipes travel bag, dirty nappy bag, change of clothes for E, warm hat for E, water bottle); the items I need for feeding E in the high chair (foldable tray table and bib, sterilised silicone spoons in ziplock bag, wet cloth wipes in ziplock bag, pots of baby food); the routine of setting up the bedroom for baby care overnight (pile of cloth nappies, topped up wipes tub, clean potty. Fill several water bottles. Turn down the cot. Pyjamas. Phone on charge). The system for sharing a bath with E (run bath, add thermometer, check temperature. Put bouncer next to bath with towels on it. Run fan heater on low to warm bathroom. Undress me and E. Sit E on potty. Wrap E in towel and carry them through. Put E in bouncer to do a final temperature check. Pick them up and get into the bath. Play with them in the water for a while, supporting them while they float and splash. Rest them in my lap and support them with one hand while I bathe them with the other. Rinse them. Hold them with one hand while I wash hair, face and armpits. Play in the water a bit more if they aren't bored yet. Put them in bouncer, get out of bath, wrap them in towels. Pull bath plug. Dance and chat to them while drying myself. Carry them back through to changing station. Dry them, fuss them, potty them and dress them.)

It's comforting to know what I'll need to care for E in different circumstances, to have a routine in place which I know works, to not have to wing it. I like having a plan. I like debriefing, optimising the plan, tweaking it to improve it next time. I like refining my list of necessary objects so I can carry slightly fewer things with me next time because I know exactly what I need. Scheduling with a baby is unpredictable, but the familiarity and repetition of the routines is comforting.

Whoa, where did 3 weeks go? Looking after E continues to be a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Overall I’m okay, but reflecting on what's going on it's… a lot.

I don’t want to get bogged down in all the details, but suffice it to say that looking after E’s health is taking up a lot of energy and attention.

Okay. So three weeks ago I started to get sore nipples, particularly on the right. I called the NCT helpline, went to the local midwife-led feeding clinic, asked friends for help, read a bunch of articles and watched YouTube videos. No amount of learning and trying improved the latch. E can only latch onto the nipple itself, and can’t get the whole areola into their mouth like they need to. So I’m sore.

The midwife at the clinic noticed that E was very congested, and thought that this was stopping them from latching on properly, because when they try, they can’t breathe. Also, she picked up on the fact they have a tongue tie. We were told this at their newborn check, but their latch seemed good (or so I thought) so we didn’t see the need to do anything about it. Anyway, when I told the midwife about the vomiting too and Leo’s food allergies, she was super concerned and said, get thee to the GP.

We already had a private paediatrician appointment that week, which we booked after the GP had basically said “they’ll grow out of it” the last two times we tried to interest them in the vomiting and congestion. Which… was going to be expensive. But, armed by the midwife telling me to be firm, I got a same-day appointment at the GP and tried one more time to get a referral through the NHS. Leo came with me.

We told the doctor all about it and asked for a paediatrician referral to investigate food allergies. The doctor prevaricated. I got anxious she wasn't going to refer us. I did a cry. It was a low point.

To cut to the end, we came away with a referral, medication for me and E for thrush “just in case”, and a new anti sickness medication since the Gaviscon wasn't doing the trick, on the basis that the sickness is reflux (which is what they thought last time, but none of the advice seemed to be helping much).

Turns out, the new antacid Ranitidine is the business. We have to give it to E three times a day, but if we actually manage it and if we time it right it stops them from being sick. Which is…. totally transformative. So maybe the sickness is reflux after all, and the Gaviscon was just weak sauce? We cancelled the private pediatrician appointment and started to feel a bit abashed about going in hard asking for a referral. Things seemed better!

We tried the thrush medication, but it made E scream and scream, and the clotrimazole was a total faff to wash off my nipples before feeding. I went back and asked for a swab, and in the meantime my nipples felt a bit better so we decided not to put E through the ordeal of treating for thrush unless we got a positive result back.

But I still couldn't get them to latch on properly, and they were still doing fussy feeding. So we started to think it might be time to get the tongue tie cut after all. Went back to the breastfeeding clinic and got a referral, but we have to wait five weeks.

Meanwhile I had some good days, went to the local breastfeeding cafe and met some nice people, but didn't get any new advice.

Leo’s hip is still really bad and they’re now trying to go back to fulltime work from home, so it’s a struggle to stay on top of the childcare and housework. We’ve booked the cleaner for an extra visit a fortnight, and arranged for one day of childcare a week from a babysitter or nanny, to give us a hand with it.

As soon as we started getting the childcare, and I was trying to write between feeds, it became obvious how much I was feeding. I’ve not been tracking the feeds, but I’ve been tracking work time, and with paying for childcare for 8 hours, I’m breastfeeding for over half of it. A few times lately E has been on the boob for 2 hours at a stretch. Today I woke up ten and a half hours ago and have been either feeding, changing nappies, or cleaning up puke for all but 90 minutes of it. Mostly feeding.

I hadn’t realised until talking to friends about it that long feeding times, especially at this age (nearly 4 months) were a symptom of tongue tie and might well be radically altered if we get it cut. So it’s starting to seem like paying to get it cut sooner might well be worth it financially, if it frees up more of my time, especially on childcare days. We’ve made contact with a local midwife and she could come and do it tomorrow morning...

...except in the meantime my sore nipple is really sore and inflamed. And has a pink raised shiny rash around it. Which is thrush, right?

So. We’re treating E’s mouth and my nipples for thrush. We’ve got a new gel from the pharmacy which doesn’t need to be washed off my nipples before feeds, which makes that quicker. Which means E is getting three doses of Ranitidine (0.5mg of nasty sticky aniseed stuff from a syringe directly before a feed to take the taste away) a day, and four doses of Miconazole a day (1.5mg applied topically to the mouth with a finger, ideally not just before a feed). Which is… a lot of medication to juggle! But that’s OK, right? And we can get the tongue tie cut soon and that might make E twice or three times as efficient at getting milk and suddenly the days will have a lot more space in them, and that will make it easier?

Except we can’t get the tongue tie cut while E might have thrush. So we have to wait a few days for the rash to go away before booking the procedure. And in six days (next Friday) E has the final booster of their vaccinations, which means nasty jabs and a fever for two days and calpol (more nasty sticky syringe stuff) and the tongue tie wound will need massage and stuff afterwards and I don’t know how well the medications will work with the wound and…

I feel overwhelmed. It’s like... every day I’m stuck on the sofa trying to feed a fussy baby on sore nipples, and they’re refusing the bottle still so that’s not an option, and I really need some time to myself for my mental health but it’s not an option, and this tongue tie surgery may not even reduce the feed times, I just really hope it does, and even if it does I don’t know if we can even have it for a week and a half so I have to keep on breastfeeding all hours of the day and… it feels like too much.

Like I say, generally I’m fine. There are lovely moments and good days and friends, and sometimes I cook a nice meal or have some time to write or some time with Leo and feel wonderful. I’m glad we have the money to get some support, even if it does mean spending my savings. In many ways, I feel resilient. But right now, today, in this moment, I feel overwhelmed by the health stuff. It’s a lot to juggle.

Last night Tai Chi was a bit of a battle. Fairly constant crying and upset from E refusing the bottle, such that when Leo gave up and called me to breastfeed, they were so upset it took me the rest of the class to soothe them. I got half an hour of Tai Chi, but I was sure there was a better way.

Proposed to Leo that we save the bottle feeds for home, when we have the ball and other things to help soothe E. I'd just breastfeed on demand at Tai Chi and we'll see how much I get to do. That way at least there won't be as much crying to contend with. Also we should remember to bring the sling, as E is often very happy to snooze in that for an hour.

We were late to class this evening, as E had a really long feed just before we left. Next time I'll start feeding them earlier in the evening I think. It was a good class though. I ducked out three times for short feeds and to support Leo with a crying baby when they got a bit frazzled towards the end, but still felt like I got to do a satisfying amount of Tai Chi.

We've got to the end of our latest run through the 18 step form, and I've got a lot more details thaan the first time I learned it. I got a lot out of the qi gong practice. And during the warmup I noticed that my flexibility is coming along really well. I'm back to the level of flexibility I got to back in March before I sprained my ankle. I can very nearly touch my toes again (something I've always struggled with). And in the side lunge stretch with both feet pointing forwards flat on floor, I can get down into a really low squat again, which makes it so much easier than when you're balancing above your knees. My groin muscles feel well used.

And I started learning fan form tonight! My first weapon form with the Shaolin Cultural Centre. I was learning narrowsword with Mei Quan, my old school, and I loved it. I've missed studying weapons. Fan is beautiful, elegant and dramatic. I'm very excited.

Oh - and last night the assistant teacher said to me she was really glad that I was bringing E to class as it showed they've succeeded in building the sort of community they wanted. I thought that was really lovely of her.

When we got home Leo slung E while we did some urgent chores and prepped food, and then when they got hungry Leo bottle fed them. They started suckling straight away and emptied the bottle! It only had 30ml in it, as we've been throwing the contents away after failed bottle feeds and didn't want to waste more than we had to, so it wasn't a whole feed. We heated another 60ml (the rest of what I pumped yesterday) but by then E was crying and refused it. I brought them upstairs to feed them but they fell asleep instead.

So, 30ml! They've been taking around 10ml per attempted bottle feed for the last week, mostly accompanied by upset, and tonight was calm until the milk ran out. So this is real progress. I feel excited that we're going to crack it. It'll take persistence, but we'll get there!

Meanwhile that 30ml was enough to let me have a very welcome shower, so I am now Clean. It feels great.

E has gone on bottle strike. We're breastfeeding, and when they were 2 or 3 weeks old I started pumping and we introduced occasional bottle feeds. At our antenatal classes we were told that breastfeeding babies sometimes refuse to take the bottle, but equally that if you introduce bottle feeding too early it can disrupt breastfeeding. We're keen to establish combination feeding. We want to mostly breastfeed, and do child led weaning, but it's also important to me to be able to take time for myself from time to time, so I can go to a Tai Chi class, do some uninterrupted work, or have a decent chunk of sleep.  In other news, Leo's mum strongwomanplant came to stay for a couple of days, and my mum came for a day, and it was absolutely lovely. We caught up on housework, cooked delicious food, and I got an hour's work done on the laptop while the others watched E. It's so lovely to see the grandmas interacting with them. E was pretty upset on vaccination day, so it was good for Leo and I to have the extra support, but I was relieved that my mum got to enjoy E in smiley relaxed mode today, so I could show off what a chilled out baby we have!

This morning me, my mum and strongwomanplant took E out in the buggy for a long walk around the park. It was E's first time in the buggy; we've used slings every time we've left the house before. I really enjoyed watching them look at the trees, and I got to breastfeed (and do a nappy change) sitting on a coat on a log by the stream in the woods, which was delightful. We had long, open and honest chats and it was great to feel so connected. Since E arrived I've felt so close to Leo's and my birth families; it's an unlooked-for bonus of parenting that we now have something so huge in common, and it's very welcome.