gajumaru

We've finally found a sleep routine that works. E's sleep has always been difficult - they tend to get hyperactive when they're tired, and they're very bad at napping. We've never been able to achieve lying-down-on-their-own naps, they've only ever slept in full body contact, either in my lap after a feed or in the sling.

A few months ago I listened to The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith. I love the gentle parenting philosophy, and it was reassuring to hear someone back me up on how cry-it-out or controlled crying sleep training is a really terrible idea if you want ato  raise a securely attached, emotionally regulated human. But it didn't have much to say about naps. It was also incredibly repetitive - the sort of thing which is skippable when you're reading but unbearable when you're listening. 

Still, I got a few useful things from it. Namely:

1. However many hours of sleep you've heard your child "should" have, ignore it: every kid is different and they need what they need. If they seem cheery and energetic and well rested they're probably fine.
2. If bedtime is a struggle try moving it later. Most kids get sleepy later than we think.
3. Routines are everything. Develop a routine, adapt it and stick to it. It's okay to be baby-led in terms of what time the routine starts, following tiredness cues, but whenever you start it, do the same things in the same order each time.
4. Don't be tempted to push  bedtime back for your own convenience, like because you want to stay up late or want a lie in the next morning. Follow your child's circadian rhythms consistently.
5. Waking up frequently for night feeds is normal and nothing to worry about as long as breastfeeding is happening. And beyond that, totally normal for older toddlers to want comfort and cuddles when they wake at night.
6. Do what works for your child. If they need to be held to sleep, sling them. Trying to fight them over it is unlikely to be successful.

So I've been slinging them for daytime naps. It's time-consuming and increasingly tiring as they get heavier. It doesn't always work either, even when we're scrupulously attentive to cues. But it gives them the sleep they need, and that makes the rest of the day, including bedtime, much smoother if they're not overtired.

E needs around 11-12 hours sleep in 24. They usually get 10-11 hours at night - they're a great nighttime sleeper. Usually asleep 9-9.30pm and awake 7-7.30am, sometimes sleep in til 8am. (I know, what a blessing!) They feed 3-6 times during the night, usually more from 5am onwards. A couple of times we've had two long stretches of 3-5 hour sleep back to back with just one feed in between, which has been amazing! 

Bedsharing helps them sleep longer, they seem reassured by my scent and warmth and perhaps sometimes they're waking and going straight back to sleep because I'm right there. It also makes night feeds almost effortless - I can literally do it in my sleep, or wake up for 1 min to get them latched on and then I fall asleep again while they're feeding.

After a few months of trial and error we've refined our bedtime routine. Here's what works:

• Bedtime at 8.30pm or thereabouts. Dinner at 7pm, brush teeth, read books quietly downstairs until we see sleep cues.
• Carry them upstairs singing a short "It's time for bed" song.
• Sit them on the potty and put them in their nighttime nappy and pyjamas. Offer their water cup.
• Close the curtains.
• I get into pyjamas and take my meds, then sit up with pillows and offer a breastfeed. I've discovered that starting the feed sitting up is better than lying down, as they're usually wriggly to begin with and cradling them allows me to soothe them more effectively. When we're lying down and they start wriggling they just end up on all fours and it's no good for the latch, or they roll over. 
• If they're too wriggly and want to play, read books quietly, or stand at the window and let them watch the street (they LOVE this and can do it for literally hours, especially if it's raining, or there are dogs) or Leo sometimes gives them a soothing light show with their lev wand.
• Once they're calm, back on the boob. 
• While they're breastfeeding sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. We learned four additional verses to help them settle.
• Also while breastfeeding, play Tropical Rain Noise on the minirig from the myNoise app 
• If we remember, put lavender oil on the oil burner (we haven't got good at being consistent with this yet).
• When they're feeding sleepily and have stopped wriggling, carefully lie down with them without breaking latch and let them fall asleep on the boob beside me.
• Leave the rain noise playing all night until we get up in the morning, which helps them get back to sleep when they wake up in the night. 

We don't do a bath every night, but when we do it's really helpful. I've learned that humans need to be cool to sleep, and baths are helpful because they raise our core temperature and then we cool down and the cool feeling makes us sleepy. So one thing that's really helped is not over-dressing E at night. They need fewer clothes than me to be comfy at night, and are often warm enough with just a t-shirt and nappy.

We've bought some extra padded night-time nappies with pop-in layers, which can cope for 12 hours of weeing without leaking. So we no longer need to do middle of the night nappy changes (although Leo got adept at doing them while E was lying down feeding or even sleeping without disturbing them). 

Once we've even had a dry night nappy followed by a big wee in the potty, but that's only happened once!


The routine works really well. It's been easier getting E to sleep and they seem to stay asleep longer since we got it figured out. The rain noise in particular is total magic - it works on me too, I fell asleep at 9pm last night!

A couple of times we've tried the night routine upstairs for a bedroom nap during the day. It usually just results in a long dozey feed rather than actual sleep, but I intend to keep trying!

What has happened a couple of times lately is E falling asleep on me in a way that I can still get things done. They're great at sleeping in a back carry, which is perfect for doing quiet housework or gardening. They fell asleep being breastfed during a zoom call last week, and then slept soundly in my lap for 90 minutes while I sat on the floor with both hands free to type on my laptop! That was great. And once or twice I've been able to get them to sleep moving around in the sling, and then sit down at the table and use the laptop while they finish their snooze. And once, Leo has been able to get them to nap upstairs with them, without a breastfeed - although it took two hours and a lot of crying. But then they stayed asleep for 90 minutes and I had over three hours to myself! Magic!

So although the majority of naps are quite physically taxing involve long walks in the woods with the sling, I don't mind. It gives me a chance to listen to audiobooks and think, the exercise is good for me, the woods are beautiful and it's nice to get out of the house. We're a long way from "E sleeps / naps alone in their own bed" but that's okay. They're getting sleep, which is the most important thing, and usually without a lot of drama. And I think we're moving closer to Leo being able to be nap facilitator without me, or me being able to feed them to sleep upstairs and then sit quietly next to them with my laptop. I feel like it's going in a good direction. I'm so glad we started the routine, it really seems to be working!

Our baby is six weeks old! The time has passed in a milky haze of sleeplessness and snuggles. It's been wonderful, and in some ways very very hard, and in other ways very easy. The work isn't complicated, it's incredibly straightforward - keep this baby alive, meet their needs, respond to their communications, and try to forestall or resolve crying as swiftly as possible - but it is hard. There's a short list of upsets that can be resolved. Hungry, nappy needs changing, too hot, too cold, want cuddles, not comfortable, wind. So debugging a crying baby is a fairly straightforward process of working your way through the hierarchy of needs. But then there are upsets that can't be resolved: too tired, tummyache, Body is Uncomfortable, Can't Crawl Yet, World is Confusing. Sometimes babies just cry.

Podling is, I think, relatively easygoing. They need to be in contact with a parent or Trusted Other Person 99% of the time, and if that need is met, they are pretty chill most of the time. As long as they're being held or cuddled, they sleep a lot, including at night.

Leo and I are committed to sharing the parenting as much as possible around the fact that I'm the only one that can breastfeed. This has been particularly useful at night, when we both really benefit from the moral (and practical) support.

We're bed sharing, which is the only way Podling can be in physical contact with one of us while they sleep. We've had zero success putting them down in a cot to sleep and are doing gentle parenting, so if they need to be cuddled to sleep, that's what we'll do. They're to young to self regulate and after 9 months being in constant contact with me it's no surprise they don't like being put down. S

Podling lies on their back in the middle of the bed, with a blanket up to their waist if it's cold. We keep the pillows well out of their way and the duvet comes up no higher than their feet. Leo and I wear pyjamas to stay warm if it's chilly. One of us lies next to them with an arm framing a their body and is Sleep Guardian, on responsive parent duty ready to respond to any squirms or cries and make sure they get their nappy changed when they need it, aren't too cold or hot, and don't have anything come near them as a suffocation risk, and picks them up a and soothes them if they need it. The other parent puts ear plugs in and gets some sleep. Sleep Guardian can sleep when Podling sleeps (bar wriggling in their sleep, which sometimes happens) but otherwise fields squeaks and wriggles without disturbing the sleeping parent.