gajumaru

(Post format shamelessly adapted from kaberett)

Reading: I've started a few books recently without finishing them. My attention span hasn't been favourable for new fiction lately. I do intermittently manage to finish some new fiction: recent faves (for certain values of "recent" ie October/November) include Sorrowland by Rivers Solomon, The Rising Flood by juliet Kemp, and The Galaxy and the Ground Within and A Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers. But mostly it's Locked Tomb fanfic and Gideon/Harrow re-reads.

Listening (Audiobooks): I finally finished A Promised Land by Barack Obama, which I got a lot out of, but lost interest just before the end and it took me ages to actually finish it. I've listened to the TLT audiobooks and am extremely glad I did, because Moira Quirk's performance is incredible and adds a lot to my enjoyment of the stories, including making it easier to write fic because I can hear the characters' voices more clearly. Continuing my self-directed nerdery in mental health and relationships, I took in Complex PTSD by Pete Walker recently which was extremely eye-opening and an excellent explanation of how the four "F" trauma responses work in practice, as well as containing lots of practical and grounded suggestions for managing flashbacks and approaching recovery. Since finishing that I've started Polysecure by Jessica Fern, which comes recommended by many and which so far I'm finding to be clear, compassionate and wise.

Listening (Music): A lot of Catriona MacDonald's 2000 album Bold on repeat. From there, the algorthm has recommended me Catriona McKay and Saltfishforty, both of which I've been enjoying. I've also been dipping into Tori Amos, Florence + the Machine, Kate Bush, Kathryn Tickell, Karine Polwart, and Kate Rusby, who I used to find a bit wet but now feel is the perfect vibe for putting on while I'm cooking, or driving Ember home in the car. According to Spotify I've also played Roundabout by Yes several times lately, which I am totally fine with. In fact I'm tempted to listen to it again now. 

Watching: Not much, but I did treat myself to a film the other night after Ember fell asleep, and watched the whole Paddington movie on my own on my laptop. It was very silly and I enjoyed it. It's always a treat finding a kids' movie with an extraordinarily famous cast, who are all playing daft bit parts apparently just because they like working together. The posh-vintageish-London aesthetics were beautiful, in a Potterverse sort of way, and I want every single one of Nicole Kidman's outfits.

Writing: I took part in my first fic exchange! I managed to finish a work by the deadline and I didn't hate it, which was very pleasing, and I was delighted with my gift. I don't link my AO3 username publicly so I'll post links separately. Other than that I have a bunch of WIPs, all TLT. I managed to do some work on the non-fiction book last week - currently revising chapter 7/12 - but all my work hours have been taken up by commercial stuff this week. I'm keen to get back to it as soon as I can. I've also started writing down some of the stories I make up for Ember, with the vague thought that they might work as kids' books, although I don't really want to do the illustrations myself so it's unlikely to happen.

Cooking: A lot of comfort food. Pasta with creamy vegan cashew cheeze sauce and roasted cauliflower with turmeric - a sort of cauliflower cheese/mac n cheese mashup. Lots of tuna and cheese melted sandwiches. Butternut squash, lentil and tofu coconut curry. Quinoa with spices, broccoli and beans, made extra decadent with soy cream, tamari and chopped herbs to garnish. Tonight I cooked sea bream in foil parcels in the oven with chopped fennel, green beans, garlic, herbs, olive oil and lemon, accompanied with brown rice and roast carrot. The bream was from frozen and even 40 mins at 220C wasn't enough: we had to finish it off in the pan, and the green veg came out crispy. Next time if I'm doing it from the freezer I'll either give it an hour, or open the foil after half an hour to let it finish. The carrots were incredible though: purple organic carrots from our Riverford box, which I chopped in half lengthwise and doused in olive oil, salt and pepper, with a splash of balsamic vinegar, to cook under foil until tender and then caramelise uncovered for a few minutes at the end. They were definitely the highlight of the meal. Breakfasts are usually either porridge with nut butter and fruit, granola and soy yoghurt, or toasted bagels with tofu bacon (the THIS isn't bacon brand, which I like a lot) and a fried egg.
 

Making: Not much; writing and care tasks are basically it. I spent an evening sculpting clay with L last week and made a cat-dragon, but it's not finished yet. Lots of drawing and colouring with Ember. Ember and I have done various fun activities together lately: making a ball pool out of ball pool balls and a cardboard box; building blanket forts for the stuffies and Duplo villages; dissolving corn packing peanuts in water; making towers and nests and slides out of cushions; giving each other washi tape manicures; sticking foam shapes to sticky-backed plastic. Leo and I are making gradual progress tidying and organising the house with the aim to create more beauty and harmony in our space. I hand-sewed curtain rings onto an old pair of curtains and found it highly satisfying, enough so that I'm considering taking up cross-stitch so I can have more things to sew.

Coming to the end of our fourth day of holiday and I feel really good. It took me a few days to unwind. Even a couple of days in I was noticing more anxiety and reactivity than usual. I think there's still a backdrop of "only moderately okay" - what I've heard people call "covid good", as in, as good as can be expected given the pandemic. Able to take pleasure and be grateful moment to moment, but every few weeks you have to fall apart and put yourself back together. That.

I'm feeling more grounded and relaxed now than I did at the start of the break. It's been a lovely, foodie, rhythmic, family few days. We've cooked and eaten several delicious meals - king prawn panang with homemade panang paste, Thai style sea bass, winter salad with fig, satsuma pieces, walnuts and olives, the mushroom pate, and a big roast dinner - in fact cooking, eating and cleaning up has taken up a substantial amount of each day, and I have no regrets.

Leo and I are spending as much of the time as possible together, enjoying sharing E with each other and the luxury of having two adults sharing whatever tasks need doing. E's been loving playing with their new toys from grandparents - especially their additional box of Duplo and their wooden bear puzzle, and the fire engine puzzle they got from Gina a few weeks ago. They're also obsessed with drawing so we do some of that every day, with paint pens (although we have to stop them eating them) and Crayola washable markers (which are all a bit worse for wear and we've just bought a new set).

We've done wet play in the tray table outdoors in the garden during the cold sunny day yesterday (warm water from the tap, because the rainwater was icy), walks in the nearby woods (E has a new puddlesuit gifted by biascut, and is very excited by puddle jumping - "da da da da DLASH!"), taken it in turns to DJ for living room hangouts, danced together, roleplayed with soft toys, done collaborative brightly coloured artworks, and other lovely things. We spent yesterday getting very giggly, and rolled around on the living room floor together with E climbing on us, and invented games like parachute with a blanket and twenty ball pool balls, which was hilarious (they went everywhere).

E is breastfeeding much less during the day these days. Since the start of December we've had three days a week of childcare on work weeks - Char on Fridays, who's been with us since E was a few weeks old, and our new nanny Shirley, who lives locally and brings her ten month old to work, so E has a playmate. I believe this will be good for them as they've had so few opportunities to spend time with other kids this year, but E is so far unconvinced.

I've been out doing work stuff for three long days this month, and E was fine every time. Our electric pump stopped working so we've been giving them formula in a cup when they ask for milk and I'm not there, plus solid food and herbal tea and water as usual of course.

I've noticed that even when I am there, they breastfeed a lot less during the day. Sometimes they're teething and can't manage it without biting. Sometimes they're super wriggly and chatty and stimulated and can't settle. So even if they're asking for boob, I often end up giving them cup milk instead, after a breastfeed is unsuccessful.

As a result, they're sleeping on me a lot less. We've started doing daily pushchair walks to induce naps (which is how Shirley and Char both get them to sleep). After lunch, warm clothes, blankets tucked in. Either I go alone and listen to podcasts while Leo does physio, or Leo and I go together.

So far it's worked everyday. They sleep for variable lengths of time once we get home. We park them in the garden with the hood up and tuck another blanket around them. For some reason they sleep better outdoors than indoors - bringing them in usually wakes them up. The day before yesterday they slept for two hours in total, three quarters of it in the garden. That was wonderful! But the last couple of days it's been much colder, and they've been waking up after twenty minutes or so no matter how many blankets we pile on.

So naps are in transition at the moment, and we need a new system that works in winter. I'll try bringing them indoors again, but we might need to try a hammock indoors, or start trying to build a sleep routine in their bedroom that doesn't rely on feeding to sleep (which is how they still get to sleep at night time).

Today was the first day we tried to get some domestic tasks done, rather than focusing exclusively on play, food and relaxing. We started putting up a curtain in the dining room to make the downstairs space cosier, cos it was freezing, but we realised the curtains needed adjusting, so we ended up measuring all the windows and curtains and figuring out which ones would go where and how much adjustment they each needed, plus making a shopping list for the rails and curtains we need to buy. It was a long job and at the end of it we still had no curtains, but it was an increment of progress at least.

This afternoon we both did our physio, which is the first time either of us have managed it since the start of the holiday. We also spent an hour trying to unfuck our bedroom. It's not what I'd call tidy yet, but it's heading in the right direction. Leo still has a few Boxes of Argh to unpack and I'm fighting a continual rearguard action against the floordrobe.

I also gave one of the orchids some attention. It had a few roots growing into the air, so I emptied the pot and repotted it so all the roots were under the bark layer. The orchids are so happy on the downstairs wet room windowsill. It's perfect for them - indirect light, humidity, warmth, regular mistings from the shower.

I still need to figure out what the pothus and the calathea need. Pothus is in the dining room now and is looking healthier - the conservatory was too cold. But some of the leaves have gone yellow, which suggests overwatering. The calathea is in the entrance hall, for warmth and shade, but it's still looking a bit brown and limp.

I'm off work until January the 4th or 5th; it feels good. Aiming to spend the rest of the time with a good balance of relaxing fun activities and satisfying house sorting. I've got a few fun things in the diary too - a kids' zoom rave, a walk in the park with a friend and her 18 month old - and some more ideas for family activities. It's lovely to have a nice long staycation and really focus on E, rather than trying to fit parenting in around other stuff.