gajumaru

The daily gratitude format is a bit frustrating when there's something I'm grumpy about. I find myself unwilling to gloss over the bad stuff and present everything as if it were peachy when it doesn't feel like it. Sure, gratitude is an important practice for joy and resisting entitlement. I don't want to wallow in self pity. But I also want my struggles and hardships to be seen.

Posting my gratitude practice publically is a great way to ensure I actually do it, as getting comments is really rewarding. But I'd hate for "focussing on the good bits" to end up looking like the heavily edited, Instagram perfect social media posts where people make their lives look polished and wonderful at all times, which isn't as interesting as being vulnerable, and fosters comparisons rather than connection.

Anyway, to avoid cluttering up my gratitude post, here's my grump: there was a friend's 40th birthday party today. Lots of my old friends whom I hadn't seen in ages were going. I really wanted to catch up with them. It started at 1. Leo wasn't sure if they wanted to come, and we were both feeling run down, so we didn't rush to get out of the door. I thought maybe we'd be there for 2pm.

By 1.15pm we were ready to leave. Then E decided they wanted to latch on for another breastfeed, although they'd had one quite recently. They fed for 45 minutes, and then we had to wait for their food to go down and change them and so on, and so we were over two hours late to the party. I thought it would be going on all afternoon, but as we were arriving six of the people I most wanted to see were just leaving. And the others I was keenest to hang out with left next. So we only had a brief time with some of the people we're close to, and no time at all with others. Boooooo.

We were running on baby time. E didn't agree to our schedule and couldn't be expected to keep to it. We did our best. But. We made it out if the house and I STILL have FOMO.

Tonight I went out with a group of friends for a gay (actually bi) Christmas dinner at Toby Carvery, with E, and it was epic.

I'd had the most executively dysfunctional day ever due to extreme sleep deprivation. Leo gave up work hours to ensure I was fed. I managed to have lovely low key hangouts with E despite my exhaustion, making them giggle playing peekabo and doing silly faces, giving them shiny wrapping paper to play with in the bouncer while I wrapped presents, having a bath together. It was a really nice parenting day.

H came over two hours early to spell me so I could have a lie down, made me tea and helped me get the go bag packed with nappies, wipes, bibs and everything we needed while E fussed on the boob. Even though it was the first time we'd met. That act of kindness made going out to the dinner I'd booked a month ago feel possible rather than overwhelming.

It was so good and nourishing to see friends. E finally latched on for a steady feed, so H piled my plate with roast veg and put it in front of me. EM bounced E on their knee while I went to the loo and bought a drink. D spent ages holding E, showing them the Christmas tree lights (they were entranced) and even took them for a nappy change. V sat next to them in their high chair and spooned mashed potato for them while I finished my food.

E didn't nap today despite my best efforts. I feared it would be exhausting juggling a wriggly, overtired baby while trying to eat and socialise. But thanks to me friends it felt effortless.

Thanks to D for co-organising. Thanks to everyone for coming out to my part of town so I could walk home and have a drink. It was lovely to see people before we went our separate ways for the holidays. Hurray for friends turning a desperate day into an easy and nourishing evening. I feel supported, included and full of Christmas cheer.