gajumaru

Right, things have been altogether too gloomy here. I am feeling miserable and overwhelmed at times but I feel good at times too. There are times when I feel energised, present to my strength and capacity, delighted to be able to not only meet E's needs but take joy in them.

So here are some happy things, in the interest of chronicling the ups as well as the downs:

- Baby sign class is amazing. I love the songs, I don't do very well at remembering to use the signs at home but I remember here and there and I like learning them. Mostly what I get out of it is seeing other people parent, which models how to be with E and boosts my confidence. It's really helped me play and interact with them.

- Baby massage class is also very lovely. I only made it to the second half of the last class - leaving the house with a baby who feeds all the time is HARD - but I really like the touches and intimacy. I've only done it once at home after doing three classes. But I enjoyed it and so did E, and I'd like to do it more. In fact after I wrote my last post and E woke up from their post feed sleep on me, I felt inspired to do some and we had lovely massage times. They really like having their tummy rubbed. Lots of smiles and giggles! Maybe doing more of that would help with their digestion? (We do need to do more tummy time though. Did a bit tonight and they're still really struggling with it, although they're very strong in other ways.)

- E is soooo lovely and smiley and chatty and interactive! Their motor skills are developing: they're hitting the toys on their bouncer, and have figured out that if they kick the pole of their baby gym it makes the whole thing rattle. The other day they were playing with their sensory crinkly duck by picking it up by the wing and throwing it.

- And I've done eBay shopping for some baby books, so we've been reading to E every day and they LOVE it. Total fascination watching my finger following the words and looking at the pictures! I like it.

- We spent a while Saturday a few weeks ago sorting through all the 3-6mo clothes we'd been given, and getting them out of storage. We found a load of cute stuff and I've really enjoyed dressing E in little outfits now the weather's got a bit cooler. It's amazing what a difference it makes between a plain babygro and little jeans and socks and t-shirt and jumper! Plus I bought a bunch of bargain secondhand things on eBay, including adorable Halloween outfits and fluffy monster suits and cute little hoodies with ears and bear dungarees. The baby clothes definitely spark joy.

- Oh AND I finally got round to listing a bunch of clothes I'm selling on eBay, and some of it looks like it's going to go for a good price! So that's satisfying. Lmk if you like corsets and hippy clothes and latex and I can post links for anyone interested.

- We saw our sling consultant today and learned some new carries for a grown up Action Baby who can hold their head up and wants to look around. They aren't big enough for arms out or forward facing yet, but I learned some hip carries and side on carries which give them more of a view. I also had a go at a back carry which was a bit terrifying and made E squeak a LOT. It's gonna take practice! We're going to buy a ring sling and a woven sling. I used the hip carry today and E was happy awake in it until they fell asleep, and I got an hour bouncing on the ball to do computer stuff, which was really welcome.

- we seem to have mostly got on top of the flea infestation. Niamh is looking better and is being more social again, and I've not been bitten for a while. Still find the odd bastard one, but they're on the way out.

- The other week I wrote a short story on my phone while breastfeeding. That felt really great. I've been toying with the idea of writing another one, but feeling a bit too tired and wrung out.

- I've been working on the non fiction book every day around childcare. It's frustratingly bitty (7 mins here, 15 mins there) but I'm making steady progress. I've very nearly met my 75k Get Your Words Out pledge goal for the year, and it's only October! I wish I had more time to work on it. I'm happy to have as much time as I have. If I wasn't trying to prioritise writing everything would be easier, but it's way way better to have things be hard than it would be to sacrifice my professional ambition and creative goals and feel resentful about it. So, hurrah for writing, and it's lovely to have this wordcount milestone as a sign of how much I've managed to get done despite everything.

- We've had a couple of good outings out of the house! We went to the trans, non binary and intersex pride picnic, which was really lovely. I enjoyed introducing E to lots of friends. And there was another queer family there - two out of three nonbinary parents, and two kids raised as theybies. One of the parents is a friend of mine from when I lived in Rye, and they're a professional nanny, so we're talking about working with them a day or two a week to give us some additional support. I feel like we really need it.

- We also visited our friend Emily who cut our hair around looking after E. It was lovely to see her, and she was very decent about us being awfully late and taking longer than usual because of feeding and stuff. My hair is now trim again with short fuzz at the back the way I like it, and no longer straggly and ridiculous. Hurray for neat hair. Now I just need to find time to shower so I can show it off to good effect. Or... maybe buy some dry shampoo.

- We have wonderful friends coming to visit us. And a full day of babysitting booked in with one friend on Thursday, so Leo can do a full day's work and I can hopefully get some writing done between breastfeeding. We have lovely parents eager to spend time with us who want to help. We have the support of our community.

- And we've booked our cleaner for an extra visit each week to help keep on top of the laundry and dishwasher. We are getting help. It will get easier eventually, and hopefully sooner than that. Meanwhile, there are things we can do. And we're a good team.