gajumaru

The whole house has covid. We got through over two years without catching it, but with the total removal of protective policy this spring and E in nursery it was basically inevitable. (Insert rant here.)

It started with E coming down with a fever last Friday, which turned into gastric flu over the weekend with vomiting, diarrhoea, loss of appetite and dehydration. I was solo parenting on Saturday night and I was worried enough I called 111 on Sunday morning, but by the time we saw an out of hours GP on Sunday evening they had kept food and water down and bounced into the hospital as bonny as anything. Way to make us look daft, kiddo.

Thought that was it, then we both got sore throats and I became feverish on, what was it, Tuesday night? I don't even know what day it is today. I slept for the whole of Wednesday, shivering and sweaty with a piercing headache and whole body aches. Leo solo parented while ill like a champion. We both tested positive Weds night, and so did our housemate. Yesterday I felt quite a lot better, well enough to tackle a bunch of housework and do a batch cook while Leo took a turn staying in bed all day.

I was optimistic that would be the worst of it, but last night I was sweaty and coughing and didn't sleep at all after 2am. Managed to get some more sleep late morning, but not enough, and now I'm with E while Leo goes back to bed. I'm tired, achy, and have a hacking dry cough that is definitely in my lungs.

E has watched a lot of cartoons this week, but they'll be alright. Feeling very grateful for vaccines right now.

The thing is, this isn't even new: we've had a nonstop run of viruses since the new year, and the last month has been mad - E had chickenpox, we all had a mystery non-covid flu thing that wiped Leo and I totally out for three days, and now this. I can't remember the last time none of us was sick. We've barely had any childcare and barely got any work done in weeks. 

Until last week I'd been thinking of the coronavirus scare as one of those media-amplified panics, like the threat of terrorism, much overblown and best ignored by sensible people. Having learned more about it, however, I've realised I was wrong.

I'm assembling this post for my own reference, and sharing it in case it's useful to anyone else.

Number of known UK cases to date: 319 spread out throughout the UK.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/news.sky.com/story/amp/coronavirus-uk-coronavirus-cases-rise-46-in-24-hours-taking-total-to-319-11953529

Symptoms: cough, fever, shortness of breath
How it's transmitted: via respiratory droplets eg when someone coughs and sneezes. It can probably survive on a surface for a few hours.

As I understand it, it's infectious, there's no vaccine yet, our immune systems haven't dealt with it before so you are quite likely to get sick if you're exposed to it. You most likely won't die, unless you're already ill or old. But you should care anyway because:
- the more people are sick, the more likely it is that old/ill people will catch it
- the more people are sick, the harder it will be for the remaining well people to care for them and keep society running
- you might be able to afford to get sick, but for people in economic precarity, without sick leave, who have caring responsibilities, the cost can be very high
- being sick sucks

So what precautions are sensible?

Avoiding catching it and spreading it

The advice is to wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water for 20 seconds. This is apparently how long it takes to sing Happy Birthday twice, although helpful people on the internet have compiled lists of other songs the right length to relieve the tedium.

https://www.cdc.gov/handwashing/when-how-handwashing.html

Most people suck at washing their hands properly, so it's worth watching a video about how to do it, paying attention to the areas which are often missed.

Wash your hands when arriving home, as well as the other usual times (before eating, after going to the loo or blowing your nose, etc)

If soap and water aren't available, alcohol based hand sanitizer is better than nothing. It doesn't clean your hands though and it doesn't kill the virus reliably. Soap and water are far more effective if you have the option.

I found this post about what alcohol is, and isn't, good for re coronavirus useful: https://liv.dreamwidth.org/568900.htm

Domestic prep

Here's our list:

Buy alcohol cleaning wipes and clean surfaces in the housewives are touched regularly with surface spray or a wipe: door knobs, banisters, phones, tablets. Not sure how to clean computer keyboards.

Prepare for the possibility of sickness/quarantine/supply shortages by stocking up on:
- prescription and over the counter medicines we use regularly
- medicines in general, especially cold and flu treatments and tissues
- supplements
- dry food ingredients (we just did a big wholefoods order so this is in hand)
- doing a few batch cooks and filling the freezer with frozen microwave meals
- 2 months worth of cupboard food, including easy food for us and E in case we're sick
- order other essentials like loo roll, laundry detergent, soap, teabags

siderea is doing a series of posts on how to keep for a pandemic which are incredibly useful. Recommended if you want to be better informed. https://siderea.dreamwidth.org/tag/coronavirus2020

I'm starting to process the fact I may not get to do this Amsterdam trip at the end of the month after all. So far, Amsterdam is no less safe than London, but we'll see how doable travel with a baby feels in a few weeks.

Forgot to do these yesterday. Yesterday was hard. E has caught my cold, and on Thursday night there was no sleep from 2.30am onwards, only feeding and wriggling. Anyway. Gratitude!

- Last night E slept a little better. I brought them into the big bed in desperation, and then we all got sleep. Phew.
- I made it to Tai Chi this morning. Got the mucus flowing freely through all my meridians.
- A new friend came over tonight and babysat for us for three hours. Leo and I had a date! With each other! Without E! It was incredible. I'm relieved and affirmed to find our romantic connection is just where we left it. I want to try and do that every fortnight if we can. It was so good!
- I got groceries delivered including loads of vegan snacks. Galaxy is now doing a vegan milk chocolate bar with sea salt. It is very tasty.
- I've nearly finished writing the penultimate chapter of my book! I'd have finished it already except I keep thinking of extra bits to include. The end is in sight!

E has a cold. I have a cold. Leo has a cold. All is woe.

Like when they have the hiccups, it seems like they have adult sized coughs and sneezes and quantities of snot in a tiny tiny body. Their croaky cries and whimpers with what remains of their voice are heart-rending. The first night they were sick, I was trying to feed them to sleep when they started doing this quailing wail like an emergency siren, clinging to me and shaking. Their temperature was 39. We gave them calpol, and it went down to 37.6 in under an hour, thank goodness. They sweated a lot when their fever broke, but since then the virus has been progressing through rivers of snot and chesty coughs. It's all thoroughly miserable. We're on a cycle of saline drops, snot-sucking, snot-wiping, calpol, feeds and trying desperately to catch a few moments of sleep.

I'm not dreadfully ill myself, just sore of throat with a cough like a 30 a day smoker, and sinuses that feel like they've been scoured. If I could stay in bed and get a couple of 12 hour sleeps I'd be fine. But instead E hasn't been settling to sleep until midnight, and then waking up every couple of hours in tears, and when we try to nap during the day they cough themselves awake, so there is no sleep to be had.

I'm cross-eyed with exhaustion. My reserves were already depleted down to zero keeping the show on the road since Leo's hip operation, so I feel peculiarly unresilient to weather these bad nights while fighting off a virus. I have no social or physical energy. So childcare - which generally requires oodles of both - is proving challenging.

Luckily Leo has been modelling horizontal parenting for the last couple of months, so I've been borrowing tricks out of their "looking after E with only one hip" box. We've been doing a lot of sitting down on the playmats picking things out of a bowl of objects and throwing them on the floor. I put Leo's glow poi onto colour changing mode and dangle them slowly in front of E while they grab for them. Turns out you can spend 45 minutes that way if you really lower your expectations.

Other recommendations for low-output parenting activities for a wriggly, curious 6 month old in need of distraction welcome.

I've also been putting cartoons on. We don't have a TV and barely watch any films or Netflix, and I've made a point of not resorting to screentime in the general course of things. But I think "everyone is ill" is a valid exception. We've been watching Chip and Potato, which is very wholesome and strangely addictive once you get into it.

I've been wearing the same set of pyjamas for 48 hours now.

Breastfeeding has been a rough ride at times, and I nearly quit once or twice, but now I'm so glad to be doing it. This virus is a bit hard on the digestion on top of everything else, and E isn't keen on solids right now. Being able to give E not only nutrition and hydration but also medicine in the form of my antibodies is utterly invaluable.

 I am so ready to stop posting about E's feeding and health stuff! But today is not, quite, that day.

The thrush got worse before it got better. My theory is that the old tube of canesten I was using up had gone off, or didn't work any more. When I used the new tube it got better, when I used the old tube it got worse. So now I've thrown away the old one and am using the fresh one and it's getting steadily better. I had a GP appointment booked for tomorrow morning to ask for stronger meds, but I've cancelled it.

Latch is improved now the tongue tie wound has healed. I reckon it's about half and half shallow latch and deep latch depending on how much else is going on. I'm not fighting E over it, just encouraging them to do the deep latch if they're calm.

Feed times are definitely shorter. Our wonderful new nanny C was here last Weds and I toggled 5 hrs work out of 8. I reckon I spent an hour having breakfast and lunch and helping C get settled, so that means I was probably only feeding 2 hrs out of 8. A vast improvement!

E got a cold, so there's been lots of congestion and snot, poor love. Waking at night unable to breathe, loss of appetite, struggling to latch on. We've been making good use of saline drops, nosefrida and drops of tea tree and olbas oil in hot water to make steam. 

Then they had their third set of booster vaccinations, three jabs in one go including the meningitis B, which produces inflammation and a fever. Woe! Baby with cold AND jab reaction is a sad time. There were a couple of days where they wouldn't eat, threw up every feed and every attempt to give them medication, ran a temperature but couldn't keep calpol down, cried a lot and it was all a bit hard. We had E's Oddparents Zoe and Ell here and we all pitched in, which was a real blessing and really helped us weather the storm.

E's been sleeping back in the bed with us while they're ill, so lots of cuddles. This morning they were still asleep after we both woke up, so we set up the baby monitor and came downstairs. We had 45 minutes of drinking tea and eating breakfast baby free like normal humans! Amazing.

The nasty oral thrush medication is over now. We're using daktarin gel once a day until my boobs are totally clear, which is much less stressful.

So I think we're over the worst bit! I'm sure there'll be more viruses and so on, but we won't have to contend with virus+tongue tie division+thrush+vaccinations all at once ever again!

Whoa, where did 3 weeks go? Looking after E continues to be a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Overall I’m okay, but reflecting on what's going on it's… a lot.

I don’t want to get bogged down in all the details, but suffice it to say that looking after E’s health is taking up a lot of energy and attention.

Okay. So three weeks ago I started to get sore nipples, particularly on the right. I called the NCT helpline, went to the local midwife-led feeding clinic, asked friends for help, read a bunch of articles and watched YouTube videos. No amount of learning and trying improved the latch. E can only latch onto the nipple itself, and can’t get the whole areola into their mouth like they need to. So I’m sore.

The midwife at the clinic noticed that E was very congested, and thought that this was stopping them from latching on properly, because when they try, they can’t breathe. Also, she picked up on the fact they have a tongue tie. We were told this at their newborn check, but their latch seemed good (or so I thought) so we didn’t see the need to do anything about it. Anyway, when I told the midwife about the vomiting too and Leo’s food allergies, she was super concerned and said, get thee to the GP.

We already had a private paediatrician appointment that week, which we booked after the GP had basically said “they’ll grow out of it” the last two times we tried to interest them in the vomiting and congestion. Which… was going to be expensive. But, armed by the midwife telling me to be firm, I got a same-day appointment at the GP and tried one more time to get a referral through the NHS. Leo came with me.

We told the doctor all about it and asked for a paediatrician referral to investigate food allergies. The doctor prevaricated. I got anxious she wasn't going to refer us. I did a cry. It was a low point.

To cut to the end, we came away with a referral, medication for me and E for thrush “just in case”, and a new anti sickness medication since the Gaviscon wasn't doing the trick, on the basis that the sickness is reflux (which is what they thought last time, but none of the advice seemed to be helping much).

Turns out, the new antacid Ranitidine is the business. We have to give it to E three times a day, but if we actually manage it and if we time it right it stops them from being sick. Which is…. totally transformative. So maybe the sickness is reflux after all, and the Gaviscon was just weak sauce? We cancelled the private pediatrician appointment and started to feel a bit abashed about going in hard asking for a referral. Things seemed better!

We tried the thrush medication, but it made E scream and scream, and the clotrimazole was a total faff to wash off my nipples before feeding. I went back and asked for a swab, and in the meantime my nipples felt a bit better so we decided not to put E through the ordeal of treating for thrush unless we got a positive result back.

But I still couldn't get them to latch on properly, and they were still doing fussy feeding. So we started to think it might be time to get the tongue tie cut after all. Went back to the breastfeeding clinic and got a referral, but we have to wait five weeks.

Meanwhile I had some good days, went to the local breastfeeding cafe and met some nice people, but didn't get any new advice.

Leo’s hip is still really bad and they’re now trying to go back to fulltime work from home, so it’s a struggle to stay on top of the childcare and housework. We’ve booked the cleaner for an extra visit a fortnight, and arranged for one day of childcare a week from a babysitter or nanny, to give us a hand with it.

As soon as we started getting the childcare, and I was trying to write between feeds, it became obvious how much I was feeding. I’ve not been tracking the feeds, but I’ve been tracking work time, and with paying for childcare for 8 hours, I’m breastfeeding for over half of it. A few times lately E has been on the boob for 2 hours at a stretch. Today I woke up ten and a half hours ago and have been either feeding, changing nappies, or cleaning up puke for all but 90 minutes of it. Mostly feeding.

I hadn’t realised until talking to friends about it that long feeding times, especially at this age (nearly 4 months) were a symptom of tongue tie and might well be radically altered if we get it cut. So it’s starting to seem like paying to get it cut sooner might well be worth it financially, if it frees up more of my time, especially on childcare days. We’ve made contact with a local midwife and she could come and do it tomorrow morning...

...except in the meantime my sore nipple is really sore and inflamed. And has a pink raised shiny rash around it. Which is thrush, right?

So. We’re treating E’s mouth and my nipples for thrush. We’ve got a new gel from the pharmacy which doesn’t need to be washed off my nipples before feeds, which makes that quicker. Which means E is getting three doses of Ranitidine (0.5mg of nasty sticky aniseed stuff from a syringe directly before a feed to take the taste away) a day, and four doses of Miconazole a day (1.5mg applied topically to the mouth with a finger, ideally not just before a feed). Which is… a lot of medication to juggle! But that’s OK, right? And we can get the tongue tie cut soon and that might make E twice or three times as efficient at getting milk and suddenly the days will have a lot more space in them, and that will make it easier?

Except we can’t get the tongue tie cut while E might have thrush. So we have to wait a few days for the rash to go away before booking the procedure. And in six days (next Friday) E has the final booster of their vaccinations, which means nasty jabs and a fever for two days and calpol (more nasty sticky syringe stuff) and the tongue tie wound will need massage and stuff afterwards and I don’t know how well the medications will work with the wound and…

I feel overwhelmed. It’s like... every day I’m stuck on the sofa trying to feed a fussy baby on sore nipples, and they’re refusing the bottle still so that’s not an option, and I really need some time to myself for my mental health but it’s not an option, and this tongue tie surgery may not even reduce the feed times, I just really hope it does, and even if it does I don’t know if we can even have it for a week and a half so I have to keep on breastfeeding all hours of the day and… it feels like too much.

Like I say, generally I’m fine. There are lovely moments and good days and friends, and sometimes I cook a nice meal or have some time to write or some time with Leo and feel wonderful. I’m glad we have the money to get some support, even if it does mean spending my savings. In many ways, I feel resilient. But right now, today, in this moment, I feel overwhelmed by the health stuff. It’s a lot to juggle.

Blood test at the hospital today, to check my thyroid function post-pregnancy. Took E with me. Our first time leaving the house just the two of us, I think! Of course they decided they were hungry JUST as we were leaving, so there was some crying in the car on the way there - particularly when we were stopped at lights, because luckily the motion and noise of the car is quite soothing when we're actually moving.

I'd been planning to sling them when I got to the hospital, but a) I was running late and b) I knew I needed to feed them asap, so it didn't seem worth making myself even later, just to tie a wrap I'd have to untie shortly afterwards. So I just hupped them from the car through the hospital in my arms with the nappy bag slung over my shoulder. Felt simultaneously like Action Queer Parent-About-Town and a bit abashed not to have a buggy like a grownup.

Anyway, I arrived just as my name went on the screen. Asked the nurse if I could feed E while having blood taken, but that was a no. Luckily there was a very cheerful second nurse who'd glomped onto me the moment I arrived in Phlebotomy to coo over E, and who very very happily jiggled them and told them what a wonderful munchkin they were while the first nurse did the most efficient job of drawing two vials of blood I'd ever seen.

A few moments later I was breastfeeding E in the hospital waiting room, chomping on a protein bar with my free hand (it was a fasting blood test and I was about as hungry as E was), in a recliner chair which was jammed back in the "recline" position. It was surprisingly comfy once I was in it, but a bit awkward getting in and out!

Breastfeeding at home I'm relying a lot on cushions to prop up my arm/shoulder on the baby side and save me from getting too tired, but now I'm wondering if we have space for a cushty rocking armchair, if such a thing even exists...

Another blog entry written in a hospital waiting room. I'm getting my glucose tolerance test done to check for gestational diabetes. You have to fast (nothing but water) for 12 hours, then have blood taken, then drink a glucose drink, sit still for two hours, and have more blood taken. The glucose drink delivered 75mg of glucose and tasted like very strongly mixed gatorade. It's the sort of thing you'd drink if you were running a marathon or building a burn camp in the desert, although with the latter you'd probably want to also add salt.

Me and the foetus both seem well! They are kicking as I write this. They are very wriggly. Sometimes the movements are intermittent, but sometimes it's a constant barrage of movement that lasts 15 or 20 minutes before it settles down. Super Rolling Attack Combo! According to the pregnancy websites, by 28 weeks the foetus is 14 inches long, which is frankly enormous, and sometimes I can feel punches and kicks at both ends simultaneously. When I don't notice any movements for a while I get a bit worried, and it's a relief to feel them kicking off again. But it's also pretty distracting when I'm trying to sleep or concentrate on something else.

I'm six months pregnant. Officially in the third trimester! That's a weird feeling: we're in the endgame now. I'm due three months today.

Symptoms:

- Nausea is less. Finally! The last time I vomited was 2-3 weeks ago. I've been taking my anti-emetics in the morning with my other meds and sticking to a breakfast routine. I've got the hang of what foods to eat when now - if I feel any hint of nausea I go for slightly more glycaemic foods (toast or a bagel) and save the muesli and porridge for days when I feel like it's less risky. I'm trying to eat lower GL food in the evenings, but also following my whim and being relaxed about it.

- Rib and back pain is still a thing, more so at the end of the day. It's worse if I'm sedentary and better if I'm spending most of the day standing, lying down, or being active.

- My insides feel very squeezed. My bump got big a month or so ago, but it still felt soft and squishy. The last couple of weeks, I've really noticed feeling fuller, my belly feeling firmer, and weird, tender, slightly sore internal sensations of various organs being squeezed. Sometimes I get random pain low down or in my side where the foetus has stuck a foot into my cervix or liver or spleen or something. And it's hard to eat a full meal: after about a half portion my stomach starts to feel painfully full, not because the stomach itself has shrunk, but because it has less space to expand into. I expect 5 or 6 small portions a day would be better than 3 normal sized ones, but it's hard to find time to stop and eat that often. I'm eating several pieces of fruit most days between meals but maybe I should start trying to split my meals up too.

- Weird ligament shit! All my muscles and ligaments are loosening, so a) I am now the most flexible I've ever been, which is cool when doing Tai Chi, although of course I lack stability at the edge of my range of movement because I haven't trained the stabilising muscles there, and b) I'm getting loads of random weirdness and pain as things move around. I went through a few weeks of neck and shoulder pain as my ligaments loosened and my muscles involuntarily tensed to try and keep things where they were, but Leo's been giving me loads of body work, and after a week on holiday that's eased off a bit and things feel a bit softer. As the surface muscles relax, I become present to deep tension in the ones underneath - I don't know if that's worse, or if I'm just able to notice it where before the surface tension was in the way. I'm also getting pains from old injuries - my right ankle, which I sprained a couple of years ago, has been playing up again, specifically a weird nerve pinch when I put weight on my foot from a certain angle, or rotate my ankle at a particular point. Leo reckons my tight calf muscle is pinching the nerve, but it hasn't been a problem for over a year so it's obviously related to soft tissue changes in pregnancy. I have some foot and ankle exercises to remember to do, and I'm going to try and book myself a pregnancy massage soon.

Other than that, I'm well! Feel like I have normal energy levels for the most part, although I slept a LOT on holiday - but then, I had a cold and some sleep debt from the previous week to catch up on, so I think that's standard. I've been getting intermittent pregnancy insomnia, waking up at 4 or 5am and taking 2 or 3 hours to get back to sleep. Surface from sleep, feel baby movements, suddenly feel hyper alert, realise I need to pee, go downstairs, and by the time I'm back in bed I'm awake and it takes ages to wind down again. The last few nights, though, it's not been so bad. I wake up around 8am, I've been so tired I've been falling asleep involuntarily at 11pm even if I'd intended to sit up and read for a bit.

Things that help with sleep maintenance: doing Tai Chi, cuddling a pillow at night to take the weight off my pelvis and shoulders when I sleep on my side, sticking hands and feet out of the duvet to regulate core body temperature, going to sleep at the same time each night, doing ana pana when I'm lying in bed, turning the nightlight on and sitting up and reading for a bit until I feel sleepy again, rather than lying there with my mind churning. Sometimes none of those work, though, and I'm just stuck with wakefulness until it goes away. It's fine when I don't have anywhere to be in the morning and can sleep later to make it up, but it's a real pain when I have morning appointments.

I function so badly when I'm sleep deprived I'm frankly terrified of how I'm going to survive with a newborn. Midwives keep saying to me that the pregnancy insomnia and night waking is "good practice", but that seems like bollocks to me - surely it would be better for me to be as well rested as possible before the birth.

I'm doing Tai Chi two or three times a week, and have just booked five sessions of pregnancy yoga. Initially I was like, oh, pregnancy yoga, I don't need that, I do Tai Chi, but although my instructor is super chill about it it's not special pregnancy Tai Chi. What I'm hoping for from the pregnancy yoga is preparation for labour, practising helpful movements etc, and doing pelvic floor stuff. As well as meeting other pregnant folks in my area.

Other preparations are going well: I've booked antenatal classes with the home birth centre, and apparently I get an all-day class with the hospital too, although I haven't been booked onto that yet. Need to chase that up. I've started meeting the home birth team, who seem nice, although it's a big team and I only have a handful of appointments, so there's no way I'll get to know them all before my due date. Plus, apparently only one out of two midwives will be from that team, and the other will be from a different team. Given the importance of continuity of care, I'm extra glad to have found a doula.

Oh yeah: I found a doula! I spent ages going through all the ones on Doula UK who serve North London back in the first trimester, and despaired of finding someone who met my requirements (queer friendly etc). The only mention of LGBT+ I found was one person who mentioned same-sex partners, which isn't exactly the same as being able to cope with two trans, non-binary parents, but when I contacted her she wasn't available on my dates. I needed to back to the drawing board and do a bunch of cold calls to sound people out about it, or maybe send out a bunch of emails getting people to answer questions about trans/non-binary gender, and I was busy with work and putting it off until Leo was available to help me with it. Then in March, I was at the press event for the Woman's Strike, and one of the other organisers asked me if I had a doula yet and it turns out she just qualified!

She's a member of my community - queer friendly, trans informed, a mum and activist, overlapping life experience, likeminded, politically radical in compatible ways. She's also tiny and sensible and full of hilarious snark about woo woo yummy doula culture. I like her, I can imagine her being with me while I'm all messy and in pain. She's coming to meet Leo next week.

It's 2019! I'm really enjoying reading everyone's end-of-year round ups, but I've been too sick to write one so far. Came down with a cold while visiting my parents for Christmas, and am currently on the fifth day of ills. Leo has succumbed too. We were planning to go to a queer warehouse party for NYE, although I was a little unsure about whether my energy levels would be up to it, and then in the end the decision was made for us. We had my first adult Quiet NYE In, and divided it between reading on the sofa and talking and cuddling in bed, listening to the fireworks go off in the street behind the house. It was wonderful.

Since then we've both felt a lot more ill. After three days of lying in bed reading and napping I've started to feel super restless and fidgety, but every time I try to get up, I feel dizzy and have to stop. We've been chipping away at the housework, with variable success: today it was only because Leo caught me at it that I realised I've been refilling our E-cover washing up liquid from the laundry liquid refill. I'd been complaining for the last month that the washing up liquid wasn't really doing the job, and now we know why. Now that it actually contains washing up liquid, the washing up is going much easier. Who'd have thunk!

I tried to do some Qi Gong yesterday - thanks to fatigue, going away to visit family, and the centre being closed for the holidays, I've missed three weeks of Tai Chi classes - but had to stop and have a sit down. Got my disused yoga mat out and did some floor work instead, starting with just rolling around to try and loosen up my achy bits, and ending up doing 20 mins of stretching, including various bits and pieces borrowed from pilates and yoga. My body was so thirsty for the movement, it was like YES, YES, MORE OF THIS. I felt tired afterwards, but a lot less stiff today.

The New Forest visit was a great success. D and G were in fine form and made a great fuss of us, and Leo worked really hard sorting out their stuff from the storage locker and lofts.

I had a good time too: G took us to the garden centre and bought me Pots and Things as a Christmas present, including a fabulous planter shaped like a giant teapot. I haven't decided which of the indoor plants to repot in which pots yet, but I'm looking forward to it. We also bought an extension pole for our pothos, which has reached the summit of the climbing pole it came with, and is currently waving around at the top looking for things to latch onto with its little caterpillar feet. We are not going to let it destroy the plaster, but we are going to give it some extra height to climb. (There's a metaphor here: something something needing structures in place before one can unfurl and reach one's full potential?)

Before the solstice party one of our friends did a bang-up job dressing Pothos as our Christmas tree, so he currently looks very jolly decked out in tinsel and baubles.

The highlight of the New Forest trip, for me, was writing. After spending the weekend gently socialising in the kitchen, helping out with cooking and cleaning a bit, but mostly tangling with Leo on the sofa and reading, I felt thoroughly recharged. I'm binge-reading (re-reading, in some cases) Mercedes Lackey's Valdemar books at the moment, which are addictive and page-turny, but also atrociously written (or perhaps edited) in places. I can't turn off the part of my brain that notices redundant words / sentences / paragraphs / whole pages that are just repetitive and unnecessary, nor the part that spots all the little typos and inconsistencies and plot holes and daft worldbuilding. I say all this with love; I enjoy the books tremendously, I've just read eleven of them in a row and am about to start on the twelfth.

Anyway, something about reading a novel with mental red pen in hand tickled my little competitive "I could do better than this" impulse. There's a novel I conceived nearly three years ago, while on a weekend minibreak with friends in Lisbon, which I haven't given myself any opportunity to work on yet, mostly because of self-pressure to work on the non-fiction book I'm in the middle of writing, if I'm going to write anything. While I've been off work sick the last couple of months, the novel has been bubbling up - particularly during those pre-dawn insomnia hours when I wake up around 4am and can't get back to sleep. I've been spending time in the places and with the characters, fairly passively sitting back and letting it all flesh itself out.

So on Sunday evening in the New Forest, after an entirely indolent weekend, we settled down to sleep and it all started blooming again, new details, new character interactions. I lay with it for half an hour, then decided to get up and start writing down some notes so I wouldn't forget it. I took my laptop downstairs and curled up on the sofa in the quiet and the dark. Three hours later I'd written three thousand words.

I got five hours sleep, got up again, and after breakfast I wrote over another two thousand. That's all so far - life and Christmas and ills have got in the way since then. But I know the next bit, and there was more brewing while I was showering today, so I'm looking forward to getting back to it.

This is my first long-form attempt at fiction since I was a nipper. It feels exciting and completely self-indulgent to spend time on something so selfishly pleasurable, without any anticipation of it being finished or published or useful any time soon. There's a part of my brain telling me that if I'm well enough to write the novel, I'm well enough to do all the other things I should be doing. But sod it. Inspiration is precious, and doesn't come every day.

There's a small secret part of me that has wanted to be an author my whole life, and it's never going to happen unless I write. Maybe the novel can sit on the back burner and be the thing I work on when I'm too bummed out to do anything else, and I can twiddle with it while procrastinating on the non-fiction book. Or maybe I'll get totally obsessed with the novel and it'll take over my life, and then when that's started to feel like work and I find myself inclined to procrastinate that, I'll go back to the non-fiction. The main impediment to the non-fiction book being finished is that I'm not in the habit of writing: I think just letting myself writing whatever I feel like is the key to unblocking that, and things will get written in the order they do.