gajumaru

The only time I ever get to myself these days is after E is asleep, while Leo is cuddling them. By that point I've done 1-2 hours of bedtime already and am pretty sleepy myself, and depending how long it takes them to settle it might already be 10pm by the time I've brushed my teeth and done my skincare routine. (I only manage it once a day, but if it's the ONLY self care thing I do I am doing it, I swear.) Once I'm in bed I always spend some time journaling these days. If I don't, I lie awake in the middle of the night with stuff going round my head. So the paper journal has been getting the blow-by-blow of the last few weeks. I don't want to fire the laptop up in bed in the dark, because screentime at that point is poor sleep hygiene. And I don't really have any other opportunities during the day. So I've been quiet here.

The night weaning is... a whole story. TDLR: cold turkey Did Not Work, so now we're trying gentle breastfeeding weaning with nursing on demand at night but with gentle removal off the breast rather than letting them fall asleep with nipple in their mouth. The more on it I am with the removal, the less sleep we all get; the more exhausted I am, the more likely I am to just fall asleep while they're nursing and not do the removal. And the last week there's been epic teething. So it's one step forward, one step back at the moment. We're just hanging in there and weathering the teething and the waking-every-hour-to-feed while it lasts, and continuing to do the gentle removal and Leo being on cuddleshift rather than me (which does tend to result in fewer wakings to feed when there isn't teething) as much as we can in the meantime, and hoping that the nurse-to-sleep association changes. It apparently takes a few weeks, so it's OK if we aren't there yet.

We did a week of me sleeping in the spare room, during which E cried a lot and Leo stayed up all night every night walking them up and down in the sling. E slept only if in the sling in motion, and woke up whenever Leo lay them down in bed. After a week of that I got involved and we tried a couple of nights of trying to teach E to go to sleep in bed, but that resulted in screaming all night and by the end of the second night, I was nursing them at night again. We hired a lactation consultant to help me with latching and positioning, which helped make night feeds less painful, and I read the No-Cry Sleep Solution and learned about sleep associations and the gentle removal technique.

Then we implemented a strategy involving earlier bedtimes, more consistent routines, and all that good stuff. That's been going on for just over two weeks. We were seeing a notable increase in total sleep time and reduction in night waking after just one week - like for literally the first time in a year or more E slept for 13 hours in 24 (11-12 hours at night and 1-2 hours in the day) - but then the teething kicked in and we're back to much less sleep and 8 wakings a night.

We've been pretty zombiefied. Had to take a few days off work just to hunker down and share childcare in survival mode. The last couple of nights I've had a bit more sleep, but only by slacking on the weaning plan. Still, we persist.

So today is my first chance to write here, rather than in the paper journal, in weeks. E didn't nap today so Leo went up to start bedtime half an hour ago, and I've been drinking tea and having half an hour to myself downstairs during daylight. The luxury! 

It's been a good Sunday. We drove over to Li's new place to visit her for the first time since she moved out last week. (A whole other sad story which I'll tell another time.) Her new place is gorgeous and really perfect for her. I'm so glad to see her settled and comfortable, and it's only 40 minutes drive away, so not too far. We hung out in the garden at a social distance and chatted and ate stirfry, and the day warmed up and we took off our jumpers, and drank raspberry tea and no-alcohol pilsner. (E tried mine and exclaimed:  "It's got SUGAR in it! It sure does!") It's sad and weird not to be living with her only 6 months after we moved in together, but it's clearly the right thing for her. We'll visit lots.

The rest of the afternoon has been active and satisfying - the first day in about a month I felt up to doing Things and had a day to potter around doing them. E "helped" me transplant the beans and courgettes which are getting too big for their modules. I was hoping to put them straight in the ground, but there was a frost last night and they haven't been hardened up yet, so they've just got bigger pots for now. Then we tidied the kitchen and living room, cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floor. Felt good to reclaim the space after a month of getting by with the bare minimum. The roomba is trundling around now making use of the clear floors.

Right - time to go help with bedtime. Not sure when I'll have a chance to write again, but when I do there's lots to share: the housemate hunt! The #notmycat saga! Books! Plants! But all that will have to wait til next time.

E is one year old! Their development seems to be happening so fast. Here are the big ones lately:

Communication: LANGUAGE. IS HAPPENING. This is so exciting. There have been days recently where it feels like every single day we have a new language milestone, it's coming thick and fast. E now has six signs that they use regularly in context: Milk, Tree, Bird, Sun, Shower and Rain. (We spent AGES on the difference between sun and shower and now they're totally on top of it. We were walking in Lea Valley Park the other day and when we saw a waterfall they signed Shower. INCREDIBLE) They also understand a lot of other signs - such as Food and Wait - and they definitely understand English too!

For instance: E has a pet dead spider. It is on the back of our polycarbonate secondary glazing, which has come down off the window and is leaning against the wall for the summer. The dead spider is on the far side of the polycarbonate. Its underbelly is revealed in anatomical glory. E is obsessed with it, and keeps stroking it through the polycarbonate, pointing at it and shouting with delight. I've been chatting to them about it and telling them about spiders, using the sign for spider and so on. And then I sang Incy Wincy Spider the other day and they pointed at the spider. Leo also tells me that they said "toys" to them and they pointed at their toybox. So yes! Language! AAAH!

Mobility: They're confidently climbing onto the sofa from the floor and down again. They zoom around on hands and knees, and are almost as fast walking with a hand on furniture. They frequently take two or three wobbly steps when crossing from one support to another, like from the sofa to me or vice versa. As I was typing this I just watched them walk a metre from the sofa to Leo, who was in the middle of the floor - four steps at least!

They can climb up stairs without help and sometimes do, if we leave the stairgate open.

They can get down from the bed feet first...

...like on Monday when this TOTALLY CRAZY thing happened! I was having a lying down feed with them in hopes of a nap, as I've been waking up early or lying awake in the middle of the night a bunch lately and have been a bit sleep deprived. I didn't nap - heart and head too full of Things - but E had a good long sleep. We were up there for two and a half hours. They fed for a bit, slept a bit, fed a bit, slept a bit, fed a bit, and I was expecting them to be done with lying down after that feed... but they slept and rolled away from me, sleeping totally independently on the bed like they do at night.

So I snuck out. I went downstairs, and Leo and I had lunch and a zoom call with friends. While we were on the call I heard a thunk from upstairs. The cat was down here, so I went upstairs to check on E...

...and saw them happily CRAWLING TOWARDS ME ALONG THE UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR.

They had woken up, seen that they were alone, seen their water cup on the bedside table, fetched it, had a drink (as I learned later when I found the water cup in the bed), heard voices downstairs, got safely down from the bed, and started coming to find us. All without a cry!

How's that for independence? This is literally the first time they have woken up on their own without crying and I am SO IMPRESSED WITH THEM I CAN'T EVEN.

Sleep: The rain noise is m a g i c. Pure magic. We use Tropical Rain from mynoise.net (we have a subscription to the app) or sometimes Rain on a Tent. It works every time. So now we've got into a really great sleep routine. At 10:30am E has a long breastfeed, I put rain noise on, and they sleep on me. They're either feedingsleepingfeeding without ever really letting go of my boob, but sometimes totally limp and relaxed and not suckling before they wake up a bit and latch on again, or they feed for a bit and then sleep for a bit in my lap. Then in the afternoon either I take them for a sling walk, or Dot does*, or we do an upstairs lying down feed and nap together, or they fall asleep on my lap during their afternoon breastfeed. I'm definitely not doing the sling walk thing every day or even every other day, which is an enormous relief for my body.

At night they're feeding less, finally. I think the rain noise and lavender oil are helping with the sleep conditioning, so they feel familiar and safe to go back to sleep sometimes when they wake. They've slept "through the night" once or twice recently - like 9.30pm through to 5.30am - and then fed and dozed on and off until finally waking up at 7ish. Most nights they sleep 9.30pm until 7am with feeds every 3 hours at the start of the night and every hour from dawn onwards. Now I just need my own insomnia to sod off and I'll be better rested.

* OMG we have childcare again 1.5 days a week and it is literally lifechanging. Char is still unavailable but Dot has stepped doing and is doing an amazing job, and the extra work time is taking an enormous amount of pressure off me. It is SO GREAT.

Activities:
They're still obsessed with books and love being read to. They're very specific about which book they want. Today they climbed up on the sofa and pointed to the shelf of spillover books and kept pointing and vocalising until I picked out the one they wanted (Where's Spot). They love flip the flap books although several of them need repair after over enthusiastic tugging.

Char introduced me to the idea of schemas. E is currently fascinated by Enveloping and Positioning. Lots of moving items around, sorting them into piles, pulling stuff out of bags, putting things into containers and pulling them out again. They love playing peekaboo and will play it by themself, throwing a muslin over their head and pulling it off again and giggling. They love being given boxes and bags to open and toys to unwrap.

Their manual dexterity is greatly improving. They were playing with a little plectrum type object today, putting it in and out of a plastic cup. We like building towers out of wooden blocks - they don't do the building yet but they hand us blocks, we build with them, and then they try and remove blocks from near the top of the tower without knocking the whole thing down. They're getting pretty good at it.

They're getting more consistent with their shape sorter. They enjoy stacking toys. They've learned to pull the rings off the peg with their fingers (rather than just tipping them off) and have even put them back on once or twice, with a little guidance from me. They love playing fetch with a little plastic ball, and are learning how to roll it themselves.

They LOVE helping and being involved in whatever we're doing. They once took an entire airer of dry washing down for me, all the bits they could reach, and passed them to me one by one for folding. They like passing us nappies and laundry to hang and put away. They do sometimes try to take things down as we're hanging them, which is a bit awkward.

They love pulling books off shelves, will pull things off the dining table if we leave them too close to the edge. They're obsessed with getting their hands on whatever we're drinking, so we can't leave open containers of liquid around. We've baby proofed pretty well and are starting to be vigilant about pan handles sticking out, knives on the kitchen counter and so on

Food: still confidently eating with their hands. Broadening their range of tastes. Current favourite meals include cheesy omelette, bits of veg or fish picked out of our stirfries and curries (we've made our cooking totally salt free in order to be able to share it with E, and just add tamari or whatever to our bowls), fried mushrooms, courgette, fruit, bread and cream cheese. They are obsessed with smoked salmon, but it's salty so we almost never give it to them, and mete it out very carefully when we do. Most mornings they have the same breakfast as us: porridge with almond butter, defrosted frozen fruit, stewed prunes, Greek-style vegan yoghurt. They eat a mixture of vegan stuff, a bit of fish, and a bit of freerange organic egg and dairy.

They've been teething a lot lately - they're up to eight teeth now - and that makes them grizzly. They also have constant little flurries of frustration and temper when they can't do something or want something they can't have, but they're usually quite easily soothed. They know what they want and they're determined, persistent and wilful - definitely my child! Boundary-setting around biting is a work in progress and is creating some upset, but it's early days and since we changed our responses I have found it easier. Occasionally they get overwrought, but a snuggly breastfeed usually sorts it out.

They are a delight. Their mood is great most of the time: alert, engaged, curious, expressive, communicative. They're excited and delighted by the tiniest things and help make the simplest activities utterly joyful. Watching language centers come online is the best fun I have had in years.

We've finally found a sleep routine that works. E's sleep has always been difficult - they tend to get hyperactive when they're tired, and they're very bad at napping. We've never been able to achieve lying-down-on-their-own naps, they've only ever slept in full body contact, either in my lap after a feed or in the sling.

A few months ago I listened to The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith. I love the gentle parenting philosophy, and it was reassuring to hear someone back me up on how cry-it-out or controlled crying sleep training is a really terrible idea if you want ato  raise a securely attached, emotionally regulated human. But it didn't have much to say about naps. It was also incredibly repetitive - the sort of thing which is skippable when you're reading but unbearable when you're listening. 

Still, I got a few useful things from it. Namely:

1. However many hours of sleep you've heard your child "should" have, ignore it: every kid is different and they need what they need. If they seem cheery and energetic and well rested they're probably fine.
2. If bedtime is a struggle try moving it later. Most kids get sleepy later than we think.
3. Routines are everything. Develop a routine, adapt it and stick to it. It's okay to be baby-led in terms of what time the routine starts, following tiredness cues, but whenever you start it, do the same things in the same order each time.
4. Don't be tempted to push  bedtime back for your own convenience, like because you want to stay up late or want a lie in the next morning. Follow your child's circadian rhythms consistently.
5. Waking up frequently for night feeds is normal and nothing to worry about as long as breastfeeding is happening. And beyond that, totally normal for older toddlers to want comfort and cuddles when they wake at night.
6. Do what works for your child. If they need to be held to sleep, sling them. Trying to fight them over it is unlikely to be successful.

So I've been slinging them for daytime naps. It's time-consuming and increasingly tiring as they get heavier. It doesn't always work either, even when we're scrupulously attentive to cues. But it gives them the sleep they need, and that makes the rest of the day, including bedtime, much smoother if they're not overtired.

E needs around 11-12 hours sleep in 24. They usually get 10-11 hours at night - they're a great nighttime sleeper. Usually asleep 9-9.30pm and awake 7-7.30am, sometimes sleep in til 8am. (I know, what a blessing!) They feed 3-6 times during the night, usually more from 5am onwards. A couple of times we've had two long stretches of 3-5 hour sleep back to back with just one feed in between, which has been amazing! 

Bedsharing helps them sleep longer, they seem reassured by my scent and warmth and perhaps sometimes they're waking and going straight back to sleep because I'm right there. It also makes night feeds almost effortless - I can literally do it in my sleep, or wake up for 1 min to get them latched on and then I fall asleep again while they're feeding.

After a few months of trial and error we've refined our bedtime routine. Here's what works:

• Bedtime at 8.30pm or thereabouts. Dinner at 7pm, brush teeth, read books quietly downstairs until we see sleep cues.
• Carry them upstairs singing a short "It's time for bed" song.
• Sit them on the potty and put them in their nighttime nappy and pyjamas. Offer their water cup.
• Close the curtains.
• I get into pyjamas and take my meds, then sit up with pillows and offer a breastfeed. I've discovered that starting the feed sitting up is better than lying down, as they're usually wriggly to begin with and cradling them allows me to soothe them more effectively. When we're lying down and they start wriggling they just end up on all fours and it's no good for the latch, or they roll over. 
• If they're too wriggly and want to play, read books quietly, or stand at the window and let them watch the street (they LOVE this and can do it for literally hours, especially if it's raining, or there are dogs) or Leo sometimes gives them a soothing light show with their lev wand.
• Once they're calm, back on the boob. 
• While they're breastfeeding sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. We learned four additional verses to help them settle.
• Also while breastfeeding, play Tropical Rain Noise on the minirig from the myNoise app 
• If we remember, put lavender oil on the oil burner (we haven't got good at being consistent with this yet).
• When they're feeding sleepily and have stopped wriggling, carefully lie down with them without breaking latch and let them fall asleep on the boob beside me.
• Leave the rain noise playing all night until we get up in the morning, which helps them get back to sleep when they wake up in the night. 

We don't do a bath every night, but when we do it's really helpful. I've learned that humans need to be cool to sleep, and baths are helpful because they raise our core temperature and then we cool down and the cool feeling makes us sleepy. So one thing that's really helped is not over-dressing E at night. They need fewer clothes than me to be comfy at night, and are often warm enough with just a t-shirt and nappy.

We've bought some extra padded night-time nappies with pop-in layers, which can cope for 12 hours of weeing without leaking. So we no longer need to do middle of the night nappy changes (although Leo got adept at doing them while E was lying down feeding or even sleeping without disturbing them). 

Once we've even had a dry night nappy followed by a big wee in the potty, but that's only happened once!


The routine works really well. It's been easier getting E to sleep and they seem to stay asleep longer since we got it figured out. The rain noise in particular is total magic - it works on me too, I fell asleep at 9pm last night!

A couple of times we've tried the night routine upstairs for a bedroom nap during the day. It usually just results in a long dozey feed rather than actual sleep, but I intend to keep trying!

What has happened a couple of times lately is E falling asleep on me in a way that I can still get things done. They're great at sleeping in a back carry, which is perfect for doing quiet housework or gardening. They fell asleep being breastfed during a zoom call last week, and then slept soundly in my lap for 90 minutes while I sat on the floor with both hands free to type on my laptop! That was great. And once or twice I've been able to get them to sleep moving around in the sling, and then sit down at the table and use the laptop while they finish their snooze. And once, Leo has been able to get them to nap upstairs with them, without a breastfeed - although it took two hours and a lot of crying. But then they stayed asleep for 90 minutes and I had over three hours to myself! Magic!

So although the majority of naps are quite physically taxing involve long walks in the woods with the sling, I don't mind. It gives me a chance to listen to audiobooks and think, the exercise is good for me, the woods are beautiful and it's nice to get out of the house. We're a long way from "E sleeps / naps alone in their own bed" but that's okay. They're getting sleep, which is the most important thing, and usually without a lot of drama. And I think we're moving closer to Leo being able to be nap facilitator without me, or me being able to feed them to sleep upstairs and then sit quietly next to them with my laptop. I feel like it's going in a good direction. I'm so glad we started the routine, it really seems to be working!

Bedtime has been a bugbear lately.

From routinely sleeping 5-8 hours in their cot, E has been much clingier lately. When they caught a cold in Jan we brought them back into the bed for a few nights, and they've not had a long sleep in the cot since. For a while they were managing a couple of hours in the cot at the start of the night, but would wake around midnight, so I'd bring them into the bed to feed them and they'd stay with us for the rest of the night.

Recently the cot has been entirely banned. They'll fall asleep on the bed or in my arms, and when I transfer them with infinite care and gentleness to the cot, they immediately wake and start crying. If we persist this happens every time we try. The cot is banned.

When they're really exhausted they'll wake up with pink eyes and a disappointed wail, and fall asleep in our arms almost immediately... And then wake up again the moment we try to lie them back down in the cot.

So we've been bedsharing. It works okay. I do lying down feeds and it doesn't overly disrupt my sleep. Either they're quite short or I fall asleep while feeding and wake up an hour later to find E asleep beside me. Adjust us both a bit and go back to sleep.

Earlier this week E even slept through the night in the bed: fell asleep around 11pm, rolled over for a little feed around 12.30am, and then slept through til 8am. Starfished in the middle of the bed. I woke up at 7.30am with boobs so engorged it was like when my milk first came in. I lay awake wondering if I should go downstairs and pump, but felt lazy. When E did wake up the pressure was so high they couldn't feed. I needed to pump just to get a bit of let down before I could feed properly.

But mostly, bedtime has been a faff lately. Lots of goblinhood. Starting the bedtime feed between 8-9pm and having multiple wakings and feedings until they finally fall asleep around 11pm. Waking every hour or two throughout the night to feed. Wriggling and waking us up, or only sleeping soundly when held.

I've been desperate for a cuddle with Leo. Keep getting my hopes up - THIS time maybe they'll stay asleep, THIS time maybe we can put them in the cot - and then it's devastating when they wake up and I need to bounce them or feed them again. Leo does so much as a co-parent but with their hip, they can't soothe E to sleep at night - it requires either carrying or breastfeeding. So I'm stiff from lying in one position for hours, dehydrated, headachy, needing to pee, wanting to brush my teeth, wanting to hug my partner - and instead I have to feed the child for another half hour, or an hour. When I've insisted on going to the bathroom, there's been crying the whole time until I get back. It's demanding and stressful and it's taken a lot out of me.

But today, I feel much better about it. Leo and I had some us time while friend D was here doing some childminding for us, and that helps a lot. Snuggles were had. Tonight I'm managing my expectations better and planning to make it as streamlined as possible. E and I had supper while Leo sorted out the bedroom. We came upstairs and had some milk, then played on the bed and did sing and sign until E was getting tired. There was lots of adorable giggling. We had a delightful time together. Did a nappy change, back on the boob and boom! Settled straight away for a nice long sleepy feed, no goblins in sight. Whew, I'm learning!

They slept quite quickly - fell asleep around 9pm, which is early for our little night owl. Had a lovely cuddly sleep on me for half an hour, and just as Leo joined us upstairs, they woke up and started feeding again. But that's okay. It'll take as long as it takes.

Today we installed our new bed rail. So even if E needs to bedshare and be cuddled, they can safely go on the edge of the bed, and I can go in the middle, and then EVERYONE can get cuddles.

Sometimes parenting isn't about trying to get your child to do something different - it's about planning for what they're going to do anyway and adapting to it so it works for everyone.

Forgot to do these yesterday. Yesterday was hard. E has caught my cold, and on Thursday night there was no sleep from 2.30am onwards, only feeding and wriggling. Anyway. Gratitude!

- Last night E slept a little better. I brought them into the big bed in desperation, and then we all got sleep. Phew.
- I made it to Tai Chi this morning. Got the mucus flowing freely through all my meridians.
- A new friend came over tonight and babysat for us for three hours. Leo and I had a date! With each other! Without E! It was incredible. I'm relieved and affirmed to find our romantic connection is just where we left it. I want to try and do that every fortnight if we can. It was so good!
- I got groceries delivered including loads of vegan snacks. Galaxy is now doing a vegan milk chocolate bar with sea salt. It is very tasty.
- I've nearly finished writing the penultimate chapter of my book! I'd have finished it already except I keep thinking of extra bits to include. The end is in sight!

E is three months old today! They are officially a Person. We survived the fourth trimester!

It's been hard and tiring and we've not got much else done, but honestly, it's not been as bad as I feared. The puking and congestion have been troublesome, and we could really have done without the triple whammy of Leo's hip flare-up, broken washing machine and flea infestation. Housework has felt like the most demanding and tiresome aspect of the last three months. But looking after E has been delightful.

My sleep has been broken but adequate. We've left the house a few times, we've both got a bit of other stuff done, and we've had lovely visits from friends and family. Breastfeeding is nonstop and I get very sick of it sometimes, but I'm also grateful for how easy it's been. I do like being able to soothe and nourish them so smoothly. But it'll feel so good to make progress with bottle feeding so I can have a bit more freedom!

We've had three milestones in the last few days, which feels appropriate to celebrate E officially not being a newborn any more:

- Last night I did my first full Tai Chi class since the birth! Well, since before the birth really, as I had to tap out a few times during class in the weeks up to the birth. Leo had E in a sling for most of the class, and they were absolutely fascinated by watching us do Tai Chi. Three of us are studying fan form at the moment so lots of dramatic snaps and red flashes to look at. It was adorable watching their face! Leo said that if they were in the doorway watching the class they were totally calm, and as soon as Leo tried to move into the back room they complained. So standing in the doorway it was. And I got to do a whole hour of uninterrupted Tai Chi, and I'm learning a weapons form again for the first time since I left Mei Quan, and it feels gooooood.

- Also last night, we had E's longest uninterrupted sleep yet! They slept from midnight (they are a night owl - we always start trying to settle them at 9/10pm but they're often awake and chatty until midnight) until 6am! I woke twice during that time in anticipation of E waking, but being able to go straight back to sleep is so  different from having to do a change and a feed.

Then they went back to sleep for another three hours.The last hour of the night was a bit wriggly  and fitful, but I still got 8 hours of solid sleep and maybe 9 hours total. So that was amazing. Hopefully it wasn't a total one off and we'll get a few more long stretches before the 4 month sleep regression kicks in.

- I slung E in a forward facing carry this morning! They are increasingly becoming Action Baby, who is too wriggly and curious about All The Things Around Them to be held, but still wants contact and cuddles, which can get quite demanding. They certainly don't like being pressed nose to chest in a rear facing carry if they're awake. The advice says don't do forward facing until they're 6months, but I know people who've done it sooner, and their neck strength has really come on lately so I thought I'd give it a try. It was brilliant!

They got to watch me folding laundry, which is apparently great baby sensory play - lots of bright colours and different textures. They were quite happy waving their arms and legs around like a little starfish until they squeaked to be taken out because they needed a wee. A success! Not suitable for bending down tasks like the dishwasher, and they get in the way of doing washing up, but useful for general pottering about.

I feel like we should celebrate, but I have no idea how two busy people with a three month old do such a thing. We can't easily eat out and I don't really have time to bake a cake. Ideas on a postcard!

Another blog entry written in a hospital waiting room. I'm getting my glucose tolerance test done to check for gestational diabetes. You have to fast (nothing but water) for 12 hours, then have blood taken, then drink a glucose drink, sit still for two hours, and have more blood taken. The glucose drink delivered 75mg of glucose and tasted like very strongly mixed gatorade. It's the sort of thing you'd drink if you were running a marathon or building a burn camp in the desert, although with the latter you'd probably want to also add salt.

Me and the foetus both seem well! They are kicking as I write this. They are very wriggly. Sometimes the movements are intermittent, but sometimes it's a constant barrage of movement that lasts 15 or 20 minutes before it settles down. Super Rolling Attack Combo! According to the pregnancy websites, by 28 weeks the foetus is 14 inches long, which is frankly enormous, and sometimes I can feel punches and kicks at both ends simultaneously. When I don't notice any movements for a while I get a bit worried, and it's a relief to feel them kicking off again. But it's also pretty distracting when I'm trying to sleep or concentrate on something else.

I'm six months pregnant. Officially in the third trimester! That's a weird feeling: we're in the endgame now. I'm due three months today.

Symptoms:

- Nausea is less. Finally! The last time I vomited was 2-3 weeks ago. I've been taking my anti-emetics in the morning with my other meds and sticking to a breakfast routine. I've got the hang of what foods to eat when now - if I feel any hint of nausea I go for slightly more glycaemic foods (toast or a bagel) and save the muesli and porridge for days when I feel like it's less risky. I'm trying to eat lower GL food in the evenings, but also following my whim and being relaxed about it.

- Rib and back pain is still a thing, more so at the end of the day. It's worse if I'm sedentary and better if I'm spending most of the day standing, lying down, or being active.

- My insides feel very squeezed. My bump got big a month or so ago, but it still felt soft and squishy. The last couple of weeks, I've really noticed feeling fuller, my belly feeling firmer, and weird, tender, slightly sore internal sensations of various organs being squeezed. Sometimes I get random pain low down or in my side where the foetus has stuck a foot into my cervix or liver or spleen or something. And it's hard to eat a full meal: after about a half portion my stomach starts to feel painfully full, not because the stomach itself has shrunk, but because it has less space to expand into. I expect 5 or 6 small portions a day would be better than 3 normal sized ones, but it's hard to find time to stop and eat that often. I'm eating several pieces of fruit most days between meals but maybe I should start trying to split my meals up too.

- Weird ligament shit! All my muscles and ligaments are loosening, so a) I am now the most flexible I've ever been, which is cool when doing Tai Chi, although of course I lack stability at the edge of my range of movement because I haven't trained the stabilising muscles there, and b) I'm getting loads of random weirdness and pain as things move around. I went through a few weeks of neck and shoulder pain as my ligaments loosened and my muscles involuntarily tensed to try and keep things where they were, but Leo's been giving me loads of body work, and after a week on holiday that's eased off a bit and things feel a bit softer. As the surface muscles relax, I become present to deep tension in the ones underneath - I don't know if that's worse, or if I'm just able to notice it where before the surface tension was in the way. I'm also getting pains from old injuries - my right ankle, which I sprained a couple of years ago, has been playing up again, specifically a weird nerve pinch when I put weight on my foot from a certain angle, or rotate my ankle at a particular point. Leo reckons my tight calf muscle is pinching the nerve, but it hasn't been a problem for over a year so it's obviously related to soft tissue changes in pregnancy. I have some foot and ankle exercises to remember to do, and I'm going to try and book myself a pregnancy massage soon.

Other than that, I'm well! Feel like I have normal energy levels for the most part, although I slept a LOT on holiday - but then, I had a cold and some sleep debt from the previous week to catch up on, so I think that's standard. I've been getting intermittent pregnancy insomnia, waking up at 4 or 5am and taking 2 or 3 hours to get back to sleep. Surface from sleep, feel baby movements, suddenly feel hyper alert, realise I need to pee, go downstairs, and by the time I'm back in bed I'm awake and it takes ages to wind down again. The last few nights, though, it's not been so bad. I wake up around 8am, I've been so tired I've been falling asleep involuntarily at 11pm even if I'd intended to sit up and read for a bit.

Things that help with sleep maintenance: doing Tai Chi, cuddling a pillow at night to take the weight off my pelvis and shoulders when I sleep on my side, sticking hands and feet out of the duvet to regulate core body temperature, going to sleep at the same time each night, doing ana pana when I'm lying in bed, turning the nightlight on and sitting up and reading for a bit until I feel sleepy again, rather than lying there with my mind churning. Sometimes none of those work, though, and I'm just stuck with wakefulness until it goes away. It's fine when I don't have anywhere to be in the morning and can sleep later to make it up, but it's a real pain when I have morning appointments.

I function so badly when I'm sleep deprived I'm frankly terrified of how I'm going to survive with a newborn. Midwives keep saying to me that the pregnancy insomnia and night waking is "good practice", but that seems like bollocks to me - surely it would be better for me to be as well rested as possible before the birth.

I'm doing Tai Chi two or three times a week, and have just booked five sessions of pregnancy yoga. Initially I was like, oh, pregnancy yoga, I don't need that, I do Tai Chi, but although my instructor is super chill about it it's not special pregnancy Tai Chi. What I'm hoping for from the pregnancy yoga is preparation for labour, practising helpful movements etc, and doing pelvic floor stuff. As well as meeting other pregnant folks in my area.

Other preparations are going well: I've booked antenatal classes with the home birth centre, and apparently I get an all-day class with the hospital too, although I haven't been booked onto that yet. Need to chase that up. I've started meeting the home birth team, who seem nice, although it's a big team and I only have a handful of appointments, so there's no way I'll get to know them all before my due date. Plus, apparently only one out of two midwives will be from that team, and the other will be from a different team. Given the importance of continuity of care, I'm extra glad to have found a doula.

Oh yeah: I found a doula! I spent ages going through all the ones on Doula UK who serve North London back in the first trimester, and despaired of finding someone who met my requirements (queer friendly etc). The only mention of LGBT+ I found was one person who mentioned same-sex partners, which isn't exactly the same as being able to cope with two trans, non-binary parents, but when I contacted her she wasn't available on my dates. I needed to back to the drawing board and do a bunch of cold calls to sound people out about it, or maybe send out a bunch of emails getting people to answer questions about trans/non-binary gender, and I was busy with work and putting it off until Leo was available to help me with it. Then in March, I was at the press event for the Woman's Strike, and one of the other organisers asked me if I had a doula yet and it turns out she just qualified!

She's a member of my community - queer friendly, trans informed, a mum and activist, overlapping life experience, likeminded, politically radical in compatible ways. She's also tiny and sensible and full of hilarious snark about woo woo yummy doula culture. I like her, I can imagine her being with me while I'm all messy and in pain. She's coming to meet Leo next week.