halojedha: (octopus)
E's going through a separation anxiety phase atm. They've spent a couple of weeks being Very Sad if they're looked after by someone other than me. Including an hour of inconsolable hiccupy crying on Leo while I was out at Tai Chi.

So I've embraced my role as Primary Caregiver even more than I was already. The bedsharing is working well. We put E in a nighttime nappy, they cuddle me most of the night and feed a few times, there's no crying. I've got good at sleeping through lying down feeds. The other night I went to sleep with E in the middle and woke up with them on the edge by the bedrail, me in the middle, my boob out. I obviously picked them up and moved them across to my right hand side (my right boob makes twice as much milk as the left) and latched them on in my sleep without waking up. Skills.

I've not been able to go to Tai Chi much - the Saturday morning classes are okay, but the Tuesday evening ones don't work well right now. By that time of night E is tired and just wants to be snuggled on me. I'm feeling equanomous about it. The important thing is giving E the reassurance and consistency they need, otherwise they're just going to get more anxious.

To be clear, Leo contributes an enormous amount. They are an equal partner in this endeavour and I absolutely feel they are load bearing. We do housework together every morning, they take E before work and after work to let me nap or do chores, they do cuddle duty at night whenever it's harmonious. They frequently take time out of their work day to do domestic jobs that need doing or to help me get out of the house on time. They are doing absolutely as much parenting and domestic work as they can.

So E's new insistence that, sometimes, only I will do is challenging for both of us, because we're used to being able to share the load more equally.

It also makes the car tricky. When I'm in the front driving and they're in the back on their own, they feel alone. It's a rear facing carseat for safety. They have a mirror so I can see them, but I'm not sure if they can see me. We've had a few Very Sad drives lately and I really don't like putting them through it. If they want a cuddle I want to be able to pick them up and cuddle them.

The car seat is the only time I don't respond straight away to whatever need they're expressing, and I'm worried they're starting to associate it with Badness. We aren't doing cry it out sleep training or anything, except in the car when I'm on the motorway or stuck in traffic and literally cannot stop. I do my best with talking and singing to them, trying to project calmness and love in my voice, and doing things like opening the skylight or their window to distract them, but when they're really upset, they just want to be held. I've done a few car feeds lately but once I've calmed them down, we still have to get home, and of they cry as soon as I put them in the carseat there's really not much I can do about it. I've been getting public transport more so they can travel in the sling and feed when they want, but that's not always an option.

The separation anxiety thing is probably a developmental phase. They're eight months old - is it possible they're starting to understand that I'm a Whole Other Person who might theoretically be Not There, prompting them to seek reassurance that I am, in fact, there? Is it an object permanence thing?

It's all triggering another layer of gender argh for me, on top of all the other layers. Gender feels )
halojedha: (Default)
Leo was out for six hours to do something at the workshop today. I had a wonderful time with E. They are getting so interactive! Big smiles, lots of vocalisations and very rewarding to hang out with. We've been playing mirroring games, sticking out our tongues at each other and echoing the sounds they make. One of their words is "Aaoo", which sounds like they're trying to say "Boo", so I spent a while today saying "Boo" to them with them saying "Aaoo"!

Boo is my parent name. We wanted some gender neutral options and came up with our own. Boo is short for Boob Parent, with a nod to one of my favourite characters in Orange is the New Black. Leo is Zaza.

I actually achieved quite a lot today that wasn't E care. We got into a good rhythm: some time in the bouncer, cuddles, nappy check and potty, boob, burping, bouncing on the ball, sleepy, and then I'd sling them and have an hour to get something else done. So between the bouncer time and the sling time, I had quite a few opportunities to Do Things with Both Hands. I'm so grateful that the uber-responsive parenting we've been doing for two months has paid off, and E is now happy to be put in the bouncer for half an hour a couple of times a day. For the first few weeks we couldn't put them down for a moment without wailing, but they're obviously feeling more secure.

So today I managed to hang laundry, tidy up a bit, eat breakfast, package things to send to people, do an hour's computer work, do the washing up, eat lunch, and then I slung E and walked to the post office with the packages, about 20 mins each way. It was really good to get some fresh air and exercise, and E was admired by passers by (including an adorable 12 year old boy who said "Your baby's really cute!" Yes, thank you, I think so too!)

Once Leo was home I got a bit of work done on my current chapter - I have an unbroken writing streak so far this month - and then we went to Tai Chi.

Because going to class last week was such a disaster, with E at home screaming, hungry and refusing to bottle feed, I was cautious about going last night. I fed E up to the last minute, and Leo slung them as soon as I left; they'll usually sleep for an hour or so in the sling. That lasted about an hour, but then they got hungry and were wailing for the last half hour until I got home. No fun.

So I sent a message to my teacher asking if Leo and E could come to class with me, and hang out in the little lounge room at the back. That way, Leo could dandle E and try to bottle feed, but if it didn't work I'd be at hand. I was happy when my teacher agreed to the plan, and nervous about how well it would work. 

Tonight we gave it a try. E was very calm for the first half of the class -and even drank 20ml of milk from the bottle! But then they stopped wanting bottle and we're still hungry, so I ducked back and fed them. Even then, they were pretty fretful, and there was lots of jiggling and soothing to try and settle them enough to feed. I missed the rest of the class, and they've been cluster feeding since then.

So I got to do half an hour of Tai Chi, which is way better than none. And E drank 20ml of milk, also way better than none. So I'm optimistic. I don't know how often Leo will be up for coming to class with me, but any Tai Chi is better than nothing. I'm about to start learning fan form, and very excited. Meanwhile, I'm feeling inspired to spend ten minutes a day doing some qi gong at home (rather than, say, housework) and try and have a personal practice even when not going to class.

E is only 9 weeks old. If I just have to miss class for a while so I can breastfeed, so be it. But even though my expectations are low, I still have aspirations, and I'm determined to enjoy life as much as possible with a baby rather than assuming things aren't possible. I'm really pleased they took some milk from the bottle, and we're going to keep trying. Baby steps!


halojedha: (Default)
A week or so ago I sent around this email to friends and family, announcing Podling's birth with a couple of photos, and explaining one of our more controversial parenting decisions as follows...

As we've shared the news of E's birth with people, we've already been asked the same question several times - is E a boy or a girl? We're writing this to explain why we haven't answered that question, and don't intend to do so in the way you might expect.

If you're one of the people who has asked this, or been wondering it, thank you for your interest in our child. We're delighted that you care about them and want to find out more about them.

When people ask this question, it seems to us that it can mean two different things. First of all, it can be about what kind of body someone has. This is very relevant in some contexts - for example, a medical one - but in most contexts it's not really relevant at all, especially in the first few years of a person's life. Secondly, it can be a question about how to relate to someone socially. We've all got a rich set of expectations and social scripts keyed on that apparently simple question of "Boy or girl?" - from simple things like what kind of clothes E might wear (or what colour congratulations card to get us!) to more fundamental things, such as what kind of activities they might enjoy, and what sort of personality and even aptitudes we could expect them to have. We feel that these gendered expectations are more limiting than they are freeing.

Especially at the beginning of our lives, we're all exquisitely sensitive to social cues. Children are strongly influenced by the expectations of the adults around them. We want to create as much freedom as possible for E, and so we want to liberate them from these limiting categories of boy or girl. They will tell us which (if any) they prefer when they are ready. We ask you all to support us in preserving this freedom during E's formative early years.

Once we can talk to E we expect that they'll quite quickly let us know what they want. Growing up is about trying new things, and their feelings will probably develop and change as they grow. Our intention is to create space for them to freely explore their identity. We want E to be free of the subtle social pressures around what boys and girls do - let alone who boys and girls are.

This desire arises from our life experience, our feminist politics, and the good influence of many of our friends, family and other role models in resisting all forms of injustice. As most of you already know, but some may not, Leo and I have both been on gender journeys of our own. Our personal dissatisfaction with the categories of “man” and “woman” for ourselves - the feeling that neither quite fit, and both offer more restrictions than benefits - have led to both of us independently realising that we are genderqueer, also known as non-binary (the first few minutes of this video give a good introduction). It’s one of the things we have in common, and one of the reasons we are such a good match. As such, we both prefer the gender neutral singular pronouns “they/them” rather than “she/her” or “he/him”.

In common usage English only has one set of gender neutral pronouns, which are used both for people with a non-binary gender (such as ourselves) and people whose gender is as yet unspecified. In the spirit of the latter, we are using they/them pronouns for E, at least until they are old enough to tell us they'd prefer something different.

Our personal experience has given us a unique perspective which has helped us realise how restrictive it can be to assign children a gender from birth, based solely on the external appearance of their body. We aren’t assigning any gender to E (even a non-binary one). They may choose to be a “boy” or a “girl”; the important thing is that it’s up to them.

We hope to enlist your support in creating a social environment in which E, at least, is liberated from gendered expectations.

This is a new idea, but we're not the first to come up with it; there are now two entirely gender-neutral schools in Sweden, for instance. Still, we don't have a manual or many role-models, and to some extent we (with your support, we hope!) will be creating this as we go. So we don't have all the answers about how this will work in practice, although we have thought long and hard about it, and believe that this is the best way to give E the start in life we wish we all had. In the meantime if you have any questions, and don't mind somewhat speculative answers, drop us a line - we'd be delighted to chat.

Love,
Halo and Leo
halojedha: (Default)
Just over a year ago, I changed my forenames to better reflect my gender. I still liked my given names a lot, but it was frustrating the way they contributed to my being misgendered. Changing them to something more neutral was another step in my social transition; which began two years ago when I first came out to myself and other people as non-binary and is still ongoing. I'm not currently planning any form of medical transition - although my thoughts about whether I might in future are a whole other story.

I'd been looking for a neutral alternative to my given first name for six months, and in the end it fell into my lap when someone called me it by accident. The phonetic similarity to my given name allowed me to keep my first initial, which felt good; I decided to continue the trend and preserve the initial of my middle name, too. With serendipity, my new names also have meanings that resonate with the meanings of the given names they were replacing.

Without deadnaming myself, I can't share every resonance that my new names offer. But I can share some of the things I like about them:

Halo:
  • I like the neutrality of it. It's an unusual name and so hasn't been assigned to a specific gender. The O gives it a masculine feel which works for me.

  • Halo Jones is a badass comic book heroine

  • Halo is a computer game which I'm told is good (I haven't played it)

  • It's a word that shows up in the names of some Tai Chi moves (eg "Three Haloes Around the Moon", which is a super beautiful series of movements in the Yang narrowsword form)

  • It's an atmospheric phenomenon and has associations of 'light' that matches the meaning of my given name.

  • Since I adopted it, I've also learned there's a Beyonce song. Awesome!


I am 100% here for all of these associations, and not here at all for the angel thing.

Jedha:
  • Also neutral, not-a-name-before, free of gendered associations

  • Is the moon that the Jedi come from

  • I literally need no other reason


I've been using Halo Jedha for over a year, and feel completely settled into it. Everyone I know calls me Halo, including my family - I'm very lucky that they are so accepting. The only places I don't use it are on legal documentation: I haven't yet done a deed poll, or changed my name with the bank.

I'm eager to do this, and would do it now except for a lingering sense that the privacy afforded by having a social (and especially social media) name distinct from my wallet name has value. I don't mean to give the state more information about me than absolutely necessary. It seems like good activist fu to be a bit less traceable than that. On the other hand, being deadnamed feels super weird. Until I can legally change the gender on my ID to non-binary or some other neutral marker, I'm gonna get misgendered by Official People anyway though, so having my identity fully recognised by institutions isn't possible yet either way. Until then, putting off the decision to legally change my name feels safer than rushing into it.

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