gajumaru

 I'm coming up to the end of my second week of daily morning Tai Chi practice. This is the first time ever I've managed a daily practice, and it's working so well for me.

I've done half an hour every morning before breakfast, every day except last Saturday, when I got an extra hour's sleep instead. This is with big thanks to Leo for a) saying "how about doing some sort of daily wellbeing practice and really prioritising that over work" to me two weeks ago when I had reached a state of Extreme Flop (a kind of bleak, exhausted depression of pandemic fatigue and sleep deprivation and long term stress) and b) cheerfully taking E away and doing childcare every morning without fail so that I can have some time to myself, which includes half an hour for Tai Chi.

I take my morning meds and get dressed in my thermal leggings, joggers, nursing top, hoodie and Vivo barefoots. Then I make a large mug of green rooibos tea, drink a glass of water, and take the tea and my phone out to the conservatory. It's cold in there in the mornings - last week we had snow on the ground all week, and the conservatory was freezing - but beautiful. I have windows on all three sides and I practice facing the garden, watching the birds hopping about and feeling like I'm amongst the trees.

I do ten minutes of chi gung, a sort of mishmash of my favourite movements from a few different sets which get me moving and loosen me up all over. I make sure I do some chest openers, some back stretches, some hip openers, some ma bu and lunges, and some forward bends.

Then I do the 18 step Chen style short form three times: the first time waking up my body, the second time slow and concentrating on breathing and dan tien movement, the third time fast and explosive.

Then I practise narrow sword. I learned most of a narrow sword form at Mei Quan, my first Tai Chi school which was terrible in many ways. The forms they teach were generally weird and different from the standard competition forms, so I doubt anyone else does this sword form. Which is annoying as there aren't any YouTube videos that look even slightly similar. But it was my first weapon form, and I was determined to retain it, so I made sure I took extensive notes after every class. I'm reconstructing the form now from my notes (which are in a gdoc on my phone), which is hard, especially since some of them don't seem to make sense. But it's a made-up form anyway, so I feel perfectly comfortable intuiting the movements that feel right when my notes seem like they can't possibly be correct. The important thing is that I'm moving and using my muscles and practicing flow and softness and all that jazz.

Once I've memorised the sword form, as much as I ever learned, I'm going to pick up my fan again. Luckily I learned fan with the Shaolin Temple Cultural Centre, my lovely and entirely respectable Tai Chi school in Enfield which I miss very much, and they taught the recognised Chen style competition weapons forms. I've got videos of me practicing the fan form as far as I learned it, and I can almost certainly find YouTube videos of the rest of it.

Last night Tai Chi was a bit of a battle. Fairly constant crying and upset from E refusing the bottle, such that when Leo gave up and called me to breastfeed, they were so upset it took me the rest of the class to soothe them. I got half an hour of Tai Chi, but I was sure there was a better way.

Proposed to Leo that we save the bottle feeds for home, when we have the ball and other things to help soothe E. I'd just breastfeed on demand at Tai Chi and we'll see how much I get to do. That way at least there won't be as much crying to contend with. Also we should remember to bring the sling, as E is often very happy to snooze in that for an hour.

We were late to class this evening, as E had a really long feed just before we left. Next time I'll start feeding them earlier in the evening I think. It was a good class though. I ducked out three times for short feeds and to support Leo with a crying baby when they got a bit frazzled towards the end, but still felt like I got to do a satisfying amount of Tai Chi.

We've got to the end of our latest run through the 18 step form, and I've got a lot more details thaan the first time I learned it. I got a lot out of the qi gong practice. And during the warmup I noticed that my flexibility is coming along really well. I'm back to the level of flexibility I got to back in March before I sprained my ankle. I can very nearly touch my toes again (something I've always struggled with). And in the side lunge stretch with both feet pointing forwards flat on floor, I can get down into a really low squat again, which makes it so much easier than when you're balancing above your knees. My groin muscles feel well used.

And I started learning fan form tonight! My first weapon form with the Shaolin Cultural Centre. I was learning narrowsword with Mei Quan, my old school, and I loved it. I've missed studying weapons. Fan is beautiful, elegant and dramatic. I'm very excited.

Oh - and last night the assistant teacher said to me she was really glad that I was bringing E to class as it showed they've succeeded in building the sort of community they wanted. I thought that was really lovely of her.

When we got home Leo slung E while we did some urgent chores and prepped food, and then when they got hungry Leo bottle fed them. They started suckling straight away and emptied the bottle! It only had 30ml in it, as we've been throwing the contents away after failed bottle feeds and didn't want to waste more than we had to, so it wasn't a whole feed. We heated another 60ml (the rest of what I pumped yesterday) but by then E was crying and refused it. I brought them upstairs to feed them but they fell asleep instead.

So, 30ml! They've been taking around 10ml per attempted bottle feed for the last week, mostly accompanied by upset, and tonight was calm until the milk ran out. So this is real progress. I feel excited that we're going to crack it. It'll take persistence, but we'll get there!

Meanwhile that 30ml was enough to let me have a very welcome shower, so I am now Clean. It feels great.

E has gone on bottle strike. We're breastfeeding, and when they were 2 or 3 weeks old I started pumping and we introduced occasional bottle feeds. At our antenatal classes we were told that breastfeeding babies sometimes refuse to take the bottle, but equally that if you introduce bottle feeding too early it can disrupt breastfeeding. We're keen to establish combination feeding. We want to mostly breastfeed, and do child led weaning, but it's also important to me to be able to take time for myself from time to time, so I can go to a Tai Chi class, do some uninterrupted work, or have a decent chunk of sleep.  In other news, Leo's mum strongwomanplant came to stay for a couple of days, and my mum came for a day, and it was absolutely lovely. We caught up on housework, cooked delicious food, and I got an hour's work done on the laptop while the others watched E. It's so lovely to see the grandmas interacting with them. E was pretty upset on vaccination day, so it was good for Leo and I to have the extra support, but I was relieved that my mum got to enjoy E in smiley relaxed mode today, so I could show off what a chilled out baby we have!

This morning me, my mum and strongwomanplant took E out in the buggy for a long walk around the park. It was E's first time in the buggy; we've used slings every time we've left the house before. I really enjoyed watching them look at the trees, and I got to breastfeed (and do a nappy change) sitting on a coat on a log by the stream in the woods, which was delightful. We had long, open and honest chats and it was great to feel so connected. Since E arrived I've felt so close to Leo's and my birth families; it's an unlooked-for bonus of parenting that we now have something so huge in common, and it's very welcome.

Another blog entry written in a hospital waiting room. I'm getting my glucose tolerance test done to check for gestational diabetes. You have to fast (nothing but water) for 12 hours, then have blood taken, then drink a glucose drink, sit still for two hours, and have more blood taken. The glucose drink delivered 75mg of glucose and tasted like very strongly mixed gatorade. It's the sort of thing you'd drink if you were running a marathon or building a burn camp in the desert, although with the latter you'd probably want to also add salt.

Me and the foetus both seem well! They are kicking as I write this. They are very wriggly. Sometimes the movements are intermittent, but sometimes it's a constant barrage of movement that lasts 15 or 20 minutes before it settles down. Super Rolling Attack Combo! According to the pregnancy websites, by 28 weeks the foetus is 14 inches long, which is frankly enormous, and sometimes I can feel punches and kicks at both ends simultaneously. When I don't notice any movements for a while I get a bit worried, and it's a relief to feel them kicking off again. But it's also pretty distracting when I'm trying to sleep or concentrate on something else.

I'm six months pregnant. Officially in the third trimester! That's a weird feeling: we're in the endgame now. I'm due three months today.

Symptoms:

- Nausea is less. Finally! The last time I vomited was 2-3 weeks ago. I've been taking my anti-emetics in the morning with my other meds and sticking to a breakfast routine. I've got the hang of what foods to eat when now - if I feel any hint of nausea I go for slightly more glycaemic foods (toast or a bagel) and save the muesli and porridge for days when I feel like it's less risky. I'm trying to eat lower GL food in the evenings, but also following my whim and being relaxed about it.

- Rib and back pain is still a thing, more so at the end of the day. It's worse if I'm sedentary and better if I'm spending most of the day standing, lying down, or being active.

- My insides feel very squeezed. My bump got big a month or so ago, but it still felt soft and squishy. The last couple of weeks, I've really noticed feeling fuller, my belly feeling firmer, and weird, tender, slightly sore internal sensations of various organs being squeezed. Sometimes I get random pain low down or in my side where the foetus has stuck a foot into my cervix or liver or spleen or something. And it's hard to eat a full meal: after about a half portion my stomach starts to feel painfully full, not because the stomach itself has shrunk, but because it has less space to expand into. I expect 5 or 6 small portions a day would be better than 3 normal sized ones, but it's hard to find time to stop and eat that often. I'm eating several pieces of fruit most days between meals but maybe I should start trying to split my meals up too.

- Weird ligament shit! All my muscles and ligaments are loosening, so a) I am now the most flexible I've ever been, which is cool when doing Tai Chi, although of course I lack stability at the edge of my range of movement because I haven't trained the stabilising muscles there, and b) I'm getting loads of random weirdness and pain as things move around. I went through a few weeks of neck and shoulder pain as my ligaments loosened and my muscles involuntarily tensed to try and keep things where they were, but Leo's been giving me loads of body work, and after a week on holiday that's eased off a bit and things feel a bit softer. As the surface muscles relax, I become present to deep tension in the ones underneath - I don't know if that's worse, or if I'm just able to notice it where before the surface tension was in the way. I'm also getting pains from old injuries - my right ankle, which I sprained a couple of years ago, has been playing up again, specifically a weird nerve pinch when I put weight on my foot from a certain angle, or rotate my ankle at a particular point. Leo reckons my tight calf muscle is pinching the nerve, but it hasn't been a problem for over a year so it's obviously related to soft tissue changes in pregnancy. I have some foot and ankle exercises to remember to do, and I'm going to try and book myself a pregnancy massage soon.

Other than that, I'm well! Feel like I have normal energy levels for the most part, although I slept a LOT on holiday - but then, I had a cold and some sleep debt from the previous week to catch up on, so I think that's standard. I've been getting intermittent pregnancy insomnia, waking up at 4 or 5am and taking 2 or 3 hours to get back to sleep. Surface from sleep, feel baby movements, suddenly feel hyper alert, realise I need to pee, go downstairs, and by the time I'm back in bed I'm awake and it takes ages to wind down again. The last few nights, though, it's not been so bad. I wake up around 8am, I've been so tired I've been falling asleep involuntarily at 11pm even if I'd intended to sit up and read for a bit.

Things that help with sleep maintenance: doing Tai Chi, cuddling a pillow at night to take the weight off my pelvis and shoulders when I sleep on my side, sticking hands and feet out of the duvet to regulate core body temperature, going to sleep at the same time each night, doing ana pana when I'm lying in bed, turning the nightlight on and sitting up and reading for a bit until I feel sleepy again, rather than lying there with my mind churning. Sometimes none of those work, though, and I'm just stuck with wakefulness until it goes away. It's fine when I don't have anywhere to be in the morning and can sleep later to make it up, but it's a real pain when I have morning appointments.

I function so badly when I'm sleep deprived I'm frankly terrified of how I'm going to survive with a newborn. Midwives keep saying to me that the pregnancy insomnia and night waking is "good practice", but that seems like bollocks to me - surely it would be better for me to be as well rested as possible before the birth.

I'm doing Tai Chi two or three times a week, and have just booked five sessions of pregnancy yoga. Initially I was like, oh, pregnancy yoga, I don't need that, I do Tai Chi, but although my instructor is super chill about it it's not special pregnancy Tai Chi. What I'm hoping for from the pregnancy yoga is preparation for labour, practising helpful movements etc, and doing pelvic floor stuff. As well as meeting other pregnant folks in my area.

Other preparations are going well: I've booked antenatal classes with the home birth centre, and apparently I get an all-day class with the hospital too, although I haven't been booked onto that yet. Need to chase that up. I've started meeting the home birth team, who seem nice, although it's a big team and I only have a handful of appointments, so there's no way I'll get to know them all before my due date. Plus, apparently only one out of two midwives will be from that team, and the other will be from a different team. Given the importance of continuity of care, I'm extra glad to have found a doula.

Oh yeah: I found a doula! I spent ages going through all the ones on Doula UK who serve North London back in the first trimester, and despaired of finding someone who met my requirements (queer friendly etc). The only mention of LGBT+ I found was one person who mentioned same-sex partners, which isn't exactly the same as being able to cope with two trans, non-binary parents, but when I contacted her she wasn't available on my dates. I needed to back to the drawing board and do a bunch of cold calls to sound people out about it, or maybe send out a bunch of emails getting people to answer questions about trans/non-binary gender, and I was busy with work and putting it off until Leo was available to help me with it. Then in March, I was at the press event for the Woman's Strike, and one of the other organisers asked me if I had a doula yet and it turns out she just qualified!

She's a member of my community - queer friendly, trans informed, a mum and activist, overlapping life experience, likeminded, politically radical in compatible ways. She's also tiny and sensible and full of hilarious snark about woo woo yummy doula culture. I like her, I can imagine her being with me while I'm all messy and in pain. She's coming to meet Leo next week.

After updating my previous journal once in five years, it's time to start afresh.

I write, create content and post online on a daily basis for work - a fact which has, over the last decade, wiped out my ability to maintain a personal blog. Nonetheless, I miss it. I made use of Facebook for a while, but I'm decreasingly interested in giving my content to Zuckerburg, so have taken a conscious step back from that. Time to return to my open source roots. The new account is a must: my previous one dates back to my first year at university, and while I'm not ashamed of my past selves, I have no desire to drag them with me more than I can help.

I went to my first ever Kung Fu class on Saturday, and I ache. I've been practising Tai Chi for nearly three years, and just swapped from Yang to Chen style a few weeks ago after losing faith in Mei Quan, my previous Tai Chi school (a long and gnarly story which I might share at some point). The new school is a Shaolin Temple Cultural Center, entirely different from what I had before: it's a tiny dojo in an industrial unit behind Tesco, with foam mats on the floor, a buddhist altar in the corner, and mixed adult and kids classes in Tai Chi, Kung Fu and Kickboxing, all taught personally by the Shifu, who is a direct discipline of Shaolin Temple China. The center explicitly aims to provide martial arts training to people from disadvantaged areas, the quality of the teaching is excellent, it's friendly and unpretentious and I love it. The classes are small and personal - between 4-10 people.

A good thing too, because switching from Yang to Chen style hasn't been effortless - new forms, new details, a movement vocabulary that's similar but subtly different, and if I'm not paying attention I find myself lapsing into old ways. The classes are only an hour long each, but follow on from each other, so it seemed worth trying Kung Fu so I could make the most of being there and do two classes back to back. Although I've never done an external martial art, Mei Quan taught Tai Chi as if it wished it was one, with day-long intensive martial workshops drilling striking forms and working on applications. So I thought I had enough martial experience that it wouldn't be a terrible idea.

How naive I was.

The hour-long Kung Fu class on Saturday morning basically killed me. Well, that's an exaggeration. I came home, ate, bathed, and then slept for three hours; the next day I was hobbling around, sore all over, and wasn't much use to anyone. Today I'm still sore, particularly around the quads and knees. I've reluctantly concluded that it would be unwise to go back to Kung Fu tonight (there are classes most nights of the week, so I can take my pick, and Monday evening is one of my regular Tai Chi nights) until I've fully recovered.

There's a big part of me which wants to be fitter now damnit, and is determined to stubbornly throw myself into training until it happens. There's another part of me which is aware that these things take time, and has no desire to re-cripple myself again so soon. So my second dip into the Kung Fu waters will have to wait until next week. I'm honestly not sure whether I'm disappointed or relieved.