gajumaru

E's going through a separation anxiety phase atm. They've spent a couple of weeks being Very Sad if they're looked after by someone other than me. Including an hour of inconsolable hiccupy crying on Leo while I was out at Tai Chi.

So I've embraced my role as Primary Caregiver even more than I was already. The bedsharing is working well. We put E in a nighttime nappy, they cuddle me most of the night and feed a few times, there's no crying. I've got good at sleeping through lying down feeds. The other night I went to sleep with E in the middle and woke up with them on the edge by the bedrail, me in the middle, my boob out. I obviously picked them up and moved them across to my right hand side (my right boob makes twice as much milk as the left) and latched them on in my sleep without waking up. Skills.

I've not been able to go to Tai Chi much - the Saturday morning classes are okay, but the Tuesday evening ones don't work well right now. By that time of night E is tired and just wants to be snuggled on me. I'm feeling equanomous about it. The important thing is giving E the reassurance and consistency they need, otherwise they're just going to get more anxious.

To be clear, Leo contributes an enormous amount. They are an equal partner in this endeavour and I absolutely feel they are load bearing. We do housework together every morning, they take E before work and after work to let me nap or do chores, they do cuddle duty at night whenever it's harmonious. They frequently take time out of their work day to do domestic jobs that need doing or to help me get out of the house on time. They are doing absolutely as much parenting and domestic work as they can.

So E's new insistence that, sometimes, only I will do is challenging for both of us, because we're used to being able to share the load more equally.

It also makes the car tricky. When I'm in the front driving and they're in the back on their own, they feel alone. It's a rear facing carseat for safety. They have a mirror so I can see them, but I'm not sure if they can see me. We've had a few Very Sad drives lately and I really don't like putting them through it. If they want a cuddle I want to be able to pick them up and cuddle them.

The car seat is the only time I don't respond straight away to whatever need they're expressing, and I'm worried they're starting to associate it with Badness. We aren't doing cry it out sleep training or anything, except in the car when I'm on the motorway or stuck in traffic and literally cannot stop. I do my best with talking and singing to them, trying to project calmness and love in my voice, and doing things like opening the skylight or their window to distract them, but when they're really upset, they just want to be held. I've done a few car feeds lately but once I've calmed them down, we still have to get home, and of they cry as soon as I put them in the carseat there's really not much I can do about it. I've been getting public transport more so they can travel in the sling and feed when they want, but that's not always an option.

The separation anxiety thing is probably a developmental phase. They're eight months old - is it possible they're starting to understand that I'm a Whole Other Person who might theoretically be Not There, prompting them to seek reassurance that I am, in fact, there? Is it an object permanence thing?

It's all triggering another layer of gender argh for me, on top of all the other layers. ( Gender feels )

A week or so ago I sent around this email to friends and family, announcing Podling's birth with a couple of photos, and explaining one of our more controversial parenting decisions as follows...

As we've shared the news of E's birth with people, we've already been asked the same question several times - is E a boy or a girl? We're writing this to explain why we haven't answered that question, and don't intend to do so in the way you might expect.

If you're one of the people who has asked this, or been wondering it, thank you for your interest in our child. We're delighted that you care about them and want to find out more about them.

When people ask this question, it seems to us that it can mean two different things. First of all, it can be about what kind of body someone has. This is very relevant in some contexts - for example, a medical one - but in most contexts it's not really relevant at all, especially in the first few years of a person's life. Secondly, it can be a question about how to relate to someone socially. We've all got a rich set of expectations and social scripts keyed on that apparently simple question of "Boy or girl?" - from simple things like what kind of clothes E might wear (or what colour congratulations card to get us!) to more fundamental things, such as what kind of activities they might enjoy, and what sort of personality and even aptitudes we could expect them to have. We feel that these gendered expectations are more limiting than they are freeing.

Especially at the beginning of our lives, we're all exquisitely sensitive to social cues. Children are strongly influenced by the expectations of the adults around them. We want to create as much freedom as possible for E, and so we want to liberate them from these limiting categories of boy or girl. They will tell us which (if any) they prefer when they are ready. We ask you all to support us in preserving this freedom during E's formative early years.

Once we can talk to E we expect that they'll quite quickly let us know what they want. Growing up is about trying new things, and their feelings will probably develop and change as they grow. Our intention is to create space for them to freely explore their identity. We want E to be free of the subtle social pressures around what boys and girls do - let alone who boys and girls are.

This desire arises from our life experience, our feminist politics, and the good influence of many of our friends, family and other role models in resisting all forms of injustice. As most of you already know, but some may not, Leo and I have both been on gender journeys of our own. Our personal dissatisfaction with the categories of “man” and “woman” for ourselves - the feeling that neither quite fit, and both offer more restrictions than benefits - have led to both of us independently realising that we are genderqueer, also known as non-binary (the first few minutes of this video give a good introduction). It’s one of the things we have in common, and one of the reasons we are such a good match. As such, we both prefer the gender neutral singular pronouns “they/them” rather than “she/her” or “he/him”.

In common usage English only has one set of gender neutral pronouns, which are used both for people with a non-binary gender (such as ourselves) and people whose gender is as yet unspecified. In the spirit of the latter, we are using they/them pronouns for E, at least until they are old enough to tell us they'd prefer something different.

Our personal experience has given us a unique perspective which has helped us realise how restrictive it can be to assign children a gender from birth, based solely on the external appearance of their body. We aren’t assigning any gender to E (even a non-binary one). They may choose to be a “boy” or a “girl”; the important thing is that it’s up to them.

We hope to enlist your support in creating a social environment in which E, at least, is liberated from gendered expectations.

This is a new idea, but we're not the first to come up with it; there are now two entirely gender-neutral schools in Sweden, for instance. Still, we don't have a manual or many role-models, and to some extent we (with your support, we hope!) will be creating this as we go. So we don't have all the answers about how this will work in practice, although we have thought long and hard about it, and believe that this is the best way to give E the start in life we wish we all had. In the meantime if you have any questions, and don't mind somewhat speculative answers, drop us a line - we'd be delighted to chat.

Love,
Halo and Leo