gajumaru

Leo's away overnight. I'm alone with E for 24 hours. And I'm loving it.

wildeabandon came to visit this afternoon. It was really good to catch up and properly introduce him to E, and he helped out with the washing up and entertaining E while I folded laundry and tidied up a bit. We haven't finished sorting stuff out after our Christmas travels yet, but at least the luggage is upstairs and ready to be unpacked.

After wildeabandon left, I hung out with E and did some chores: stuffing inserts into cloth nappies, running a couple of laundry loads, stacking washable baby wipes in the tubs. I made sure the bedroom was ready for bedtime, and made up E's cot in preparation to putting them down.

I treated myself to a takeout, so I wouldn't have to try and cook on my own while caring for E. There's enough left for lunch tomorrow too. I'd debated whether to try and cook (or wait for it to be delivered) and eat before putting E to bed, or whether to start sorting food out for myself once they were asleep - but in the end ordering, and then starting bedtime, seemed like the best compromise. They'd been feeding for 45 minutes by the time it arrived, and I managed to get downstairs, answer the door, cover the takeout with a blanket, get back upstairs and lie down again with them in bed without them breaking the latch.

Half an hour later they were asleep and tucked in in the cot, the baby monitor was plugged in, and I was downstairs with a cuppa and a plate of curry feeling like superparent.

Leo is out on a date with their girlfriend. It's their first date away from home since the birth; until now, B has been coming here, and we've all been navigating the awkwardness of sharing space and childcare. It's been a mixture of B helping Leo with childcare and housework while I get some work done, me doing childcare so B and Leo can have some time alone together, and all three of us hanging out. So their first date at B's place since E's arrival is a real polyamory milestone.

I knew I was feeling good about giving Leo the opportunity to have a nice time - and even living vicariously through their freedom to Go On A Date Sans Baby. But until I got it, I didn't anticipate how much I needed the solitude.

Being downstairs, with E asleep in the cot upstairs, is the first time I've felt truly alone since the birth. I'm not alone, of course - they're still my responsibility, and when they woke up with a cry a little while ago, I went straight up and soothed them back to sleep. But now they're asleep again, and it feels like having the house to myself.

I lingered over my curry, reading. Drank my ginger tea. Put some washing on and carefully wiped down the high chair tray. Considered going straight to bed. I'm chronically sleep deprived (of course: but more so since Leo's operation than before it) and E wakes up every morning at 8.30am sharp, and I'll need to do a change and a feed or two between now and then; so I'm not looking at a full night's sleep. But this solitude feels so precious and nourishing, I feel like I need it more than another half hour in bed. I'm on the sofa with my laptop, nursing a single malt and enjoying the luxury of typing on a keyboard rather than my phone. (I've developed phone RSI in my wrists since the birth, from using my phone so much more while breastfeeding. At the moment I'm trying to use my phone less, and listen to audiobooks or read paper books instead during feeds.) I feel like I could easily stay up for another hour or so, writing and reading. But it's nearly midnight, and I'll enjoy tomorrow more if I go to bed sooner rather than later.

Being alone is lovely. I hope Leo and B have another date soon so I can do it again.

The rituals of parenting really suit me. I like having systems in place: the things that go in the go bag (muslins, cloth nappies, wipes travel bag, dirty nappy bag, change of clothes for E, warm hat for E, water bottle); the items I need for feeding E in the high chair (foldable tray table and bib, sterilised silicone spoons in ziplock bag, wet cloth wipes in ziplock bag, pots of baby food); the routine of setting up the bedroom for baby care overnight (pile of cloth nappies, topped up wipes tub, clean potty. Fill several water bottles. Turn down the cot. Pyjamas. Phone on charge). The system for sharing a bath with E (run bath, add thermometer, check temperature. Put bouncer next to bath with towels on it. Run fan heater on low to warm bathroom. Undress me and E. Sit E on potty. Wrap E in towel and carry them through. Put E in bouncer to do a final temperature check. Pick them up and get into the bath. Play with them in the water for a while, supporting them while they float and splash. Rest them in my lap and support them with one hand while I bathe them with the other. Rinse them. Hold them with one hand while I wash hair, face and armpits. Play in the water a bit more if they aren't bored yet. Put them in bouncer, get out of bath, wrap them in towels. Pull bath plug. Dance and chat to them while drying myself. Carry them back through to changing station. Dry them, fuss them, potty them and dress them.)

It's comforting to know what I'll need to care for E in different circumstances, to have a routine in place which I know works, to not have to wing it. I like having a plan. I like debriefing, optimising the plan, tweaking it to improve it next time. I like refining my list of necessary objects so I can carry slightly fewer things with me next time because I know exactly what I need. Scheduling with a baby is unpredictable, but the familiarity and repetition of the routines is comforting.