Separation anxiety and gender feels
Mar. 5th, 2020 07:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
halojedhaE's going through a separation anxiety phase atm. They've spent a couple of weeks being Very Sad if they're looked after by someone other than me. Including an hour of inconsolable hiccupy crying on Leo while I was out at Tai Chi.
So I've embraced my role as Primary Caregiver even more than I was already. The bedsharing is working well. We put E in a nighttime nappy, they cuddle me most of the night and feed a few times, there's no crying. I've got good at sleeping through lying down feeds. The other night I went to sleep with E in the middle and woke up with them on the edge by the bedrail, me in the middle, my boob out. I obviously picked them up and moved them across to my right hand side (my right boob makes twice as much milk as the left) and latched them on in my sleep without waking up. Skills.
I've not been able to go to Tai Chi much - the Saturday morning classes are okay, but the Tuesday evening ones don't work well right now. By that time of night E is tired and just wants to be snuggled on me. I'm feeling equanomous about it. The important thing is giving E the reassurance and consistency they need, otherwise they're just going to get more anxious.
To be clear, Leo contributes an enormous amount. They are an equal partner in this endeavour and I absolutely feel they are load bearing. We do housework together every morning, they take E before work and after work to let me nap or do chores, they do cuddle duty at night whenever it's harmonious. They frequently take time out of their work day to do domestic jobs that need doing or to help me get out of the house on time. They are doing absolutely as much parenting and domestic work as they can.
So E's new insistence that, sometimes, only I will do is challenging for both of us, because we're used to being able to share the load more equally.
It also makes the car tricky. When I'm in the front driving and they're in the back on their own, they feel alone. It's a rear facing carseat for safety. They have a mirror so I can see them, but I'm not sure if they can see me. We've had a few Very Sad drives lately and I really don't like putting them through it. If they want a cuddle I want to be able to pick them up and cuddle them.
The car seat is the only time I don't respond straight away to whatever need they're expressing, and I'm worried they're starting to associate it with Badness. We aren't doing cry it out sleep training or anything, except in the car when I'm on the motorway or stuck in traffic and literally cannot stop. I do my best with talking and singing to them, trying to project calmness and love in my voice, and doing things like opening the skylight or their window to distract them, but when they're really upset, they just want to be held. I've done a few car feeds lately but once I've calmed them down, we still have to get home, and of they cry as soon as I put them in the carseat there's really not much I can do about it. I've been getting public transport more so they can travel in the sling and feed when they want, but that's not always an option.
The separation anxiety thing is probably a developmental phase. They're eight months old - is it possible they're starting to understand that I'm a Whole Other Person who might theoretically be Not There, prompting them to seek reassurance that I am, in fact, there? Is it an object permanence thing?
It's all triggering another layer of gender argh for me, on top of all the other layers. Being a parent is wonderful, I'm happy to breastfeed and to have given birth, and it's okay that E is more/differently attached to me than to Leo or the other adults in our village. Not only did they grow inside my body, I've spent more time with them than anyone else, and continue to do so. Partly because of the breastfeeding, partly because Leo works full-time and I work part time, partly because Leo's hip recovery still won't permit them carrying or slinging E, and so I'm the one who physically wears them and carries them around all the time.
It's nice that they feel safe with me and that they want me. It's also a bit stressful that they depend on me personally so intensely. I thought when we had a baby that Leo and I as two nonbinary parents could split the parenting 50/50. It's not worked out that way - because of breastfeeding, because of Leo's work and Leo's hip, because E has their own ideas about who they want to spend time with.
I've been so firm about working - I started working from home a few hours a week when E was one month old, and am now up to 3.5 days a week - partly as a gender thing. Leo and I were very firm that as nonbinary people neither of us was Mum and neither of us was Dad. Leo is Zaza and I'm Boo, two roles we are defining for ourselves. Leo is immensely maternal and nurturing and says they feel more like a mother than a father. I often feel quite dadly, loading the car, moving heavy things around, cooking meals for the family, playing games with E and making up silly songs and stories, going out to Tai Chi, kissing E on the forehead when I go to work.
My own mum and dad both worked, both fed me, both did housework, both raised me. The genderedness of Mum and Dad, the roles those words symbolise, isn't something I learned from my family of origin but from the wider culture. I see it in the parenting books I read, in the assumptions at the baby classes I go to.
In the culture, "Mother" is this self-sacrificing role, the provider of food and nurture and comfort, the one who puts her own interests and career on hold, the one who's always around. "Father" divides his attention between parenting and work. Everyone else at baby sign class is a mum. Every other parent at the library rhyme time is a mum. Dads only get 2 weeks of paid parental leave. Both roles are hard and compromised and can really suck.
So I'm listening to Sarah Ockwell-Smith's Gentle Sleep Book at the moment. I really like her baby-led, responsive, non-violent, evidence-based parenting advice. She's talking about the importance of babywearing, bedsharing, having enough respect and support for mothers. It's always "mothers". And... I'm not a mother, but I feel sometimes like I'm doing the job of one. We need a better word.
It's two things: there's breastfeeding/gestational parent, that's one thing. That's what Boo means, to me. Then there's Primary Caregiver. The one that's always there. The one that slings the baby, cuddles them at night, spends more time with them. This doesn't have to be the body parent, I know families where it isn't. Neither role is gendered. Non binary people and trans men can bear and feed babies with their bodies. Anyone can step into a primary caregiver role.
But when the two align, that starts to sound a lot like Mother, especially when I'm mistaken for one all the time. It's dysphoric and unsettling and I need to constantly remind myself that being E's body parent and their anchor parent doesn't mean I'm a woman even though a lot of people assume it does.
So I've embraced my role as Primary Caregiver even more than I was already. The bedsharing is working well. We put E in a nighttime nappy, they cuddle me most of the night and feed a few times, there's no crying. I've got good at sleeping through lying down feeds. The other night I went to sleep with E in the middle and woke up with them on the edge by the bedrail, me in the middle, my boob out. I obviously picked them up and moved them across to my right hand side (my right boob makes twice as much milk as the left) and latched them on in my sleep without waking up. Skills.
I've not been able to go to Tai Chi much - the Saturday morning classes are okay, but the Tuesday evening ones don't work well right now. By that time of night E is tired and just wants to be snuggled on me. I'm feeling equanomous about it. The important thing is giving E the reassurance and consistency they need, otherwise they're just going to get more anxious.
To be clear, Leo contributes an enormous amount. They are an equal partner in this endeavour and I absolutely feel they are load bearing. We do housework together every morning, they take E before work and after work to let me nap or do chores, they do cuddle duty at night whenever it's harmonious. They frequently take time out of their work day to do domestic jobs that need doing or to help me get out of the house on time. They are doing absolutely as much parenting and domestic work as they can.
So E's new insistence that, sometimes, only I will do is challenging for both of us, because we're used to being able to share the load more equally.
It also makes the car tricky. When I'm in the front driving and they're in the back on their own, they feel alone. It's a rear facing carseat for safety. They have a mirror so I can see them, but I'm not sure if they can see me. We've had a few Very Sad drives lately and I really don't like putting them through it. If they want a cuddle I want to be able to pick them up and cuddle them.
The car seat is the only time I don't respond straight away to whatever need they're expressing, and I'm worried they're starting to associate it with Badness. We aren't doing cry it out sleep training or anything, except in the car when I'm on the motorway or stuck in traffic and literally cannot stop. I do my best with talking and singing to them, trying to project calmness and love in my voice, and doing things like opening the skylight or their window to distract them, but when they're really upset, they just want to be held. I've done a few car feeds lately but once I've calmed them down, we still have to get home, and of they cry as soon as I put them in the carseat there's really not much I can do about it. I've been getting public transport more so they can travel in the sling and feed when they want, but that's not always an option.
The separation anxiety thing is probably a developmental phase. They're eight months old - is it possible they're starting to understand that I'm a Whole Other Person who might theoretically be Not There, prompting them to seek reassurance that I am, in fact, there? Is it an object permanence thing?
It's all triggering another layer of gender argh for me, on top of all the other layers. Being a parent is wonderful, I'm happy to breastfeed and to have given birth, and it's okay that E is more/differently attached to me than to Leo or the other adults in our village. Not only did they grow inside my body, I've spent more time with them than anyone else, and continue to do so. Partly because of the breastfeeding, partly because Leo works full-time and I work part time, partly because Leo's hip recovery still won't permit them carrying or slinging E, and so I'm the one who physically wears them and carries them around all the time.
It's nice that they feel safe with me and that they want me. It's also a bit stressful that they depend on me personally so intensely. I thought when we had a baby that Leo and I as two nonbinary parents could split the parenting 50/50. It's not worked out that way - because of breastfeeding, because of Leo's work and Leo's hip, because E has their own ideas about who they want to spend time with.
I've been so firm about working - I started working from home a few hours a week when E was one month old, and am now up to 3.5 days a week - partly as a gender thing. Leo and I were very firm that as nonbinary people neither of us was Mum and neither of us was Dad. Leo is Zaza and I'm Boo, two roles we are defining for ourselves. Leo is immensely maternal and nurturing and says they feel more like a mother than a father. I often feel quite dadly, loading the car, moving heavy things around, cooking meals for the family, playing games with E and making up silly songs and stories, going out to Tai Chi, kissing E on the forehead when I go to work.
My own mum and dad both worked, both fed me, both did housework, both raised me. The genderedness of Mum and Dad, the roles those words symbolise, isn't something I learned from my family of origin but from the wider culture. I see it in the parenting books I read, in the assumptions at the baby classes I go to.
In the culture, "Mother" is this self-sacrificing role, the provider of food and nurture and comfort, the one who puts her own interests and career on hold, the one who's always around. "Father" divides his attention between parenting and work. Everyone else at baby sign class is a mum. Every other parent at the library rhyme time is a mum. Dads only get 2 weeks of paid parental leave. Both roles are hard and compromised and can really suck.
So I'm listening to Sarah Ockwell-Smith's Gentle Sleep Book at the moment. I really like her baby-led, responsive, non-violent, evidence-based parenting advice. She's talking about the importance of babywearing, bedsharing, having enough respect and support for mothers. It's always "mothers". And... I'm not a mother, but I feel sometimes like I'm doing the job of one. We need a better word.
It's two things: there's breastfeeding/gestational parent, that's one thing. That's what Boo means, to me. Then there's Primary Caregiver. The one that's always there. The one that slings the baby, cuddles them at night, spends more time with them. This doesn't have to be the body parent, I know families where it isn't. Neither role is gendered. Non binary people and trans men can bear and feed babies with their bodies. Anyone can step into a primary caregiver role.
But when the two align, that starts to sound a lot like Mother, especially when I'm mistaken for one all the time. It's dysphoric and unsettling and I need to constantly remind myself that being E's body parent and their anchor parent doesn't mean I'm a woman even though a lot of people assume it does.
no subject
Date: 2020-03-06 10:58 am (UTC)