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Isolation bliss and blues
Apr. 24th, 2020 06:08 pmEverything feels so vivid, and the ups and downs are acute.
The moments of joy and relaxation are profound. I wrote that post about the glory of sharing the hot tub with E in their floaty donut because it was so precious, such a highlight, and I wanted to remember it.
There are so many things I'm grateful for.
I'm grateful to E every day for helping me be present. For keeping my mind on the here and now and not letting me worry about the pandemic or the future.
I'm grateful for their laughter, their delight, their curiosity and joy.
I'm grateful for Leo, such a wonderful teammate, so kind and conscientious and supportive.
I'm grateful for the delicious food we eat and our fresh veg box every week. We've cooked some amazing meals lately. Squash curry with chickpeas and tofu and coconut milk. Tuna gratin with onion and sweet potato and celeriac and swede. Pesto pasta with toasted tamari seeds and fresh leaf salad. Mushroom pasta with truffle paste and coconut milk and savoury boiled almonds and vegan parmesan. Spiralised carrot and courgette salad with lime dressing, parsnip fries, homemade houmous and toasted seeds. We batch cook about one meal in four. We eat well.
I'm grateful for space to grow plants. Watching my little seedlings sprout is a joy.
I'm grateful to have a bit of E enrichment budget saved and to be able to afford new toys:
a bag of beautiful wooden blocks, stacking cuboids, some new to us second hand board books.
But oh, I'm so tired. E breastfeeds on and off all night, sometimes more on than off. They wake at 6am. They fall asleep at 9pm and I should follow suit, but often I stay up reading, revelling in a little quiet time to myself. Or there's laundry to hang and leftovers to put away. Or slugs to drown, ew. Or I cuddle Leo and we talk for a while and then it's half nine or ten. Or I'm asleep by half nine and then E wakes and feeds six times before dawn.
It doesn't feel sustainable. I try to nap. Sometimes manage it in the mornings. But it's almost impossible to carve out time and opportunity between E needing me. I try for a nap before lunch but it's too early, I don't manage to sleep. After lunch we remember to we have to wash and clean the steriliser and then pump, that takes a while, and then E's hungry so I breastfeed and then they fall asleep on me, which is great, but not a nap for me, and then they wake up before they're done sleeping and need feeding or bouncing or soothing again, and then they wake for good and need pottying and feeding, and suddenly it's 5pm and there's not time to nap before dinner.
I'm still doing most of the domestic work, as Leo needs a hip replacement urgently and of course there are no elective surgeries. So they're living with impaired mobility and chronic pain, as gracefully as I can imagine someone bearing it.
I'm not really keeping on top of the housework. We're just about doing the laundry. The kitchen surfaces and dining table are perpetually covered in used dishes. I've hoovered downstairs once since lockdown started, and haven't mopped or cleaned the bathroom or upstairs at all.
Every day that passes I'm more fatigued than the day before. Leo and I are trying to give each other half an hour of self care time every morning, for Tai Chi or meditation or stretching or hot tubbing or a bath or RSI wrist massage or whatever. Wellbeing time. We take it in turns. But my last two I haven't used them, I've been too tired.
Sometimes they spell me in the morning for an extra hour or 90 mins of sleep. I go next door and go straight back to sleep in the other bed without waking up too much. But it's tricky without milk pumped, and Leo can't carry E around so there's a limit to what they can do together. I've been needing that more and more after broken nights of sleep, and then it's breakfast time and then I need to breastfeed and I don't get my wellbeing time. Unless the sleep counts.
This enforced family time is often gorgeous and loving, with moments of genuine joy. And at the same time it's grinding and relentless and exhausting. It's all of those things at the same time.
The moments of joy and relaxation are profound. I wrote that post about the glory of sharing the hot tub with E in their floaty donut because it was so precious, such a highlight, and I wanted to remember it.
There are so many things I'm grateful for.
I'm grateful to E every day for helping me be present. For keeping my mind on the here and now and not letting me worry about the pandemic or the future.
I'm grateful for their laughter, their delight, their curiosity and joy.
I'm grateful for Leo, such a wonderful teammate, so kind and conscientious and supportive.
I'm grateful for the delicious food we eat and our fresh veg box every week. We've cooked some amazing meals lately. Squash curry with chickpeas and tofu and coconut milk. Tuna gratin with onion and sweet potato and celeriac and swede. Pesto pasta with toasted tamari seeds and fresh leaf salad. Mushroom pasta with truffle paste and coconut milk and savoury boiled almonds and vegan parmesan. Spiralised carrot and courgette salad with lime dressing, parsnip fries, homemade houmous and toasted seeds. We batch cook about one meal in four. We eat well.
I'm grateful for space to grow plants. Watching my little seedlings sprout is a joy.
I'm grateful to have a bit of E enrichment budget saved and to be able to afford new toys:
a bag of beautiful wooden blocks, stacking cuboids, some new to us second hand board books.
But oh, I'm so tired. E breastfeeds on and off all night, sometimes more on than off. They wake at 6am. They fall asleep at 9pm and I should follow suit, but often I stay up reading, revelling in a little quiet time to myself. Or there's laundry to hang and leftovers to put away. Or slugs to drown, ew. Or I cuddle Leo and we talk for a while and then it's half nine or ten. Or I'm asleep by half nine and then E wakes and feeds six times before dawn.
It doesn't feel sustainable. I try to nap. Sometimes manage it in the mornings. But it's almost impossible to carve out time and opportunity between E needing me. I try for a nap before lunch but it's too early, I don't manage to sleep. After lunch we remember to we have to wash and clean the steriliser and then pump, that takes a while, and then E's hungry so I breastfeed and then they fall asleep on me, which is great, but not a nap for me, and then they wake up before they're done sleeping and need feeding or bouncing or soothing again, and then they wake for good and need pottying and feeding, and suddenly it's 5pm and there's not time to nap before dinner.
I'm still doing most of the domestic work, as Leo needs a hip replacement urgently and of course there are no elective surgeries. So they're living with impaired mobility and chronic pain, as gracefully as I can imagine someone bearing it.
I'm not really keeping on top of the housework. We're just about doing the laundry. The kitchen surfaces and dining table are perpetually covered in used dishes. I've hoovered downstairs once since lockdown started, and haven't mopped or cleaned the bathroom or upstairs at all.
Every day that passes I'm more fatigued than the day before. Leo and I are trying to give each other half an hour of self care time every morning, for Tai Chi or meditation or stretching or hot tubbing or a bath or RSI wrist massage or whatever. Wellbeing time. We take it in turns. But my last two I haven't used them, I've been too tired.
Sometimes they spell me in the morning for an extra hour or 90 mins of sleep. I go next door and go straight back to sleep in the other bed without waking up too much. But it's tricky without milk pumped, and Leo can't carry E around so there's a limit to what they can do together. I've been needing that more and more after broken nights of sleep, and then it's breakfast time and then I need to breastfeed and I don't get my wellbeing time. Unless the sleep counts.
This enforced family time is often gorgeous and loving, with moments of genuine joy. And at the same time it's grinding and relentless and exhausting. It's all of those things at the same time.